It is true that everything takes time to heal and I will eventually move on but for now it hurts so bad that I have wild thoughts to end this suffering by just giving up. Deep down I am still sensible to know that life is precious and I still love myself enough to ensure I live.
When I woke up this morning, it seems like just another day in my life but everything had changed. Every part of my life since 11th may will never revert back to the way it used to be. Every action and movement reminds me of him. From the getting myself ready to go for flight , leaving the house and even carrying the stuff out of the house reminds me of him . The attentiveness of him in ensuring that every details of my life is taken care and in order is truly overwhelming and unbelievable. Arriving at Seletar and him giving me a good bye kiss and hug, before alighting the car. I missed every details of my dream.
Although I know the decision to end this is only on my end, part of me still yearn that once he is out of grief of the loss of his dog that he will come looking for me. Part of me, afraid to go through knowing that he might lie to me again. Jeremy told me if I choose to be with someone I have to fully trust him and at times pretend to not know even if I know it. I just need to learnt to be grateful that at the end of the day he comes back home and did not go overboard . How do one judge if the action of another party if overboard or within the limit ? I believe in sharing a lot if things in life but I just can't share the one I truly love with another women. I would rather not have him although it will hurt tremendously. I had never never been hurt so badly since Tan Saw. I have even consider leaving the job that I loved so much just to move with him when he asked the question for the 2nd time, "hypothetically", if I would leave with him if he leaves the country. I guess now I can stop worrying bout going away now and settling my affair here.
I am waiting for the day I will be back to the cheerful , bubbly and hopeful person before 11th of May . Will I?
When I woke up this morning, it seems like just another day in my life but everything had changed. Every part of my life since 11th may will never revert back to the way it used to be. Every action and movement reminds me of him. From the getting myself ready to go for flight , leaving the house and even carrying the stuff out of the house reminds me of him . The attentiveness of him in ensuring that every details of my life is taken care and in order is truly overwhelming and unbelievable. Arriving at Seletar and him giving me a good bye kiss and hug, before alighting the car. I missed every details of my dream.
Although I know the decision to end this is only on my end, part of me still yearn that once he is out of grief of the loss of his dog that he will come looking for me. Part of me, afraid to go through knowing that he might lie to me again. Jeremy told me if I choose to be with someone I have to fully trust him and at times pretend to not know even if I know it. I just need to learnt to be grateful that at the end of the day he comes back home and did not go overboard . How do one judge if the action of another party if overboard or within the limit ? I believe in sharing a lot if things in life but I just can't share the one I truly love with another women. I would rather not have him although it will hurt tremendously. I had never never been hurt so badly since Tan Saw. I have even consider leaving the job that I loved so much just to move with him when he asked the question for the 2nd time, "hypothetically", if I would leave with him if he leaves the country. I guess now I can stop worrying bout going away now and settling my affair here.
I am waiting for the day I will be back to the cheerful , bubbly and hopeful person before 11th of May . Will I?
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