Stop my silly ACT now

I had decided to share again. I hope it helps me to move on and let the time passes faster since everyone says that "time will heal "... I had written to him on Monday 12th of September. It was supposed to mark out 4th month anniversary of being together.  How silly of me? Who would have celebrated such event monthly but I was counting the days since we had been together.  I think I probably jinx it by counting down.  I had written to ask for clarification and at the same time kinda vent my sorrow, it had not turn out well. I beelieve I played a role in igniting the animality and devil in him. His reply was very hurtful and mean as if it was piercing through my heart. I was very hurt. It took me a day or 2 to get my mind clear. Luckiky it was F1 week and I was kept busy throughout the event. I did not jad much time to think or react as i had been kept busy helping out and at the same time sorting out my own work stuff plus meeting up my friends from Malaysia and catching up with my sleep.

I was even invited to Paddock Club by my best friend Lisa. It was an interesting experience and on other occasion I would be ecstatic but this time just another day to fatten myself and get drunk. As i shared beforehand, I do not drink and eat in fact  I would starve myself when I am down and sad. So its a good opportunity and excuse to do the opposite. I made another silly stupid act of sending a very very pathetic sms to him. This has really got to stop. I am beginning to hate myself for acting like this. I need to restrain myself and stop harassing him. I really felt that I an harrasing him since he never reply me at all. 

This is the final truth 💔

How should I put this? It's finally over. The end. I had hold on the belief of what he had shared all along, choosing to believe in him even though there were signs and stuff he shared that were misleading...this time I really saw it with my own eyes. This is how the story goes...

I was out with Bruno for dinner and we walked through Isetan at Shaw Centre. I saw him, passed by me close enough, holding hands with his ex-wife like a couple . He did not acknowledge me at all. I ran towards the mall, by then they were not holding hands, probably he realised that I will run to them.  I called out his name. Both of them turn back. He looked shocked but pretended to be cool. "You are here having dinner with Bruno" I stared at him and walked off. I was shocked and not sure what to say to him. How could he be so calm after realising that I found out ?

Bruno advised not to text or do anything.  After an hour the text came.  "He was there with his ex-wife to collect a report from the Asia Medic where his cancer was first diagnosed. "He did not explain much . I was still furious and send him a message cursing him on the holding hands.  After a few exchanges he insist to come to meet me immediately to talk. He insisted that both (he and his ex) has a very long history of close relationship that at times he could not even explain and it's no big deal they were holding hands ....wtf??? He asked me to calm down and think of what he had shared and done in the past few months. I was furious and called P (his friend that I was supposed to meet for coffee tomorrow) and asked if she knows anything bout his marriage.  She shared that he told her his wife had passed on 6 years ago due to lung cancer and he had not dated anyone since then. I was shocked and she was too when I say I bumped into him and his ex-wife and I am currently dating him. He found out that I asked P and created this drama. He blamed me that I caused the fall out of friendship between he and P. He even try to justify his actions  at Isetan and insisted that he already told me bout his illness and there is no future between me and him.  The stuff he told me when we were at the beach for the talk sounded so different from what he used to share with me in the beginning of our relationship. I know then that that night at the beach is the end and it's really over between us. He even warned me that he knows this day will arrive whereby I will lose the patience on walking the path with him. He kinda blamed me for what and how it ended, kinda insisted it's really me causing all the drama.

We walked back and he refused to hold my hands.  That is the 1st time that I had walked behind him and looking at his back. I really felt alone then. He even refused to hold my hands in the car for the last time when I requested...he did give in when we are nearing to the house.  I was crying inside knowing it's ending and walked out of the car. I am suddenly tired but at the same time still feel that I should not blame him since he is going through this sickness. I even wish him all the best and to continue to fight on and I will continue to send my prayers to him...

Not until I met P today for coffee that I discovered a whole new story that he had been hanging out with her 3 times in the past months , out drinking and dining (not according to him that he had not been eating much n losing weight, although he does not look like it), been chatty and energetic and does not look sick at all  (although he constantly say he is tired and resting at home beside working and volunteering),  shared that he had started volunteers 2 times on weekdays n once on weekends since his wife passed on lung cancer 6 years ago, lots and lots of other stuff...I really could not believe what I hear. I had been so foolish believing in all his words and even there were times signs showing doubts, to never doubt if one had choosen the path of loving and walking the path of sickness with him.

Recalling all the stuff he shared previously bout he once told me that he was in the hospital on Sunday for scan (possible) , stuck in clinic at 5 pm on Sunday for doctors appointment, shared in early August that he had the worst cancer lung, brain and pancreatic, shared later in early September that he had cancer all over lung ,lymph nodes and glands but luckily not in any organs or brain (according to my gf going through relapse in cancer that one do not forget ownself diagnosis and oncologist do not diagnose wrongly too) the list goes on, it seems the lies is never ending.  I had really been blinded choosing to believe it all.

I am really tired and now I am relief to see the truth in him. Part of me still want to think he has cancer but part of me is tired with his ongoing lies. This is the story of me and Freddy ...the lies and foolishness I had put myself into.

Gloomy weather for me and my bi❤

I am now seated on a red long comfy sofa in the living room of my dearest friend Lai Wah. She had cancer relapsed few months back and last week doctor advised to go for chemotherapy on Wednesday.  I am here to accompany her and stay over tonight to monitor her situation. I cooked her a healthy meal today

Since my bi had insisted that I should not send any food to him... I need to cook away all the organic stuff I bought for him in the fridge 😟 so I am cooking for Lai Wah.

The last few days had been a lil awkward for me to communicate with him. I felt so distance from him. I am not sure why I felt this way. Although he had shared to not think bout the issue that happened on Tuesday but I felt I kinda lost him in my life again.  I fear that he had finally decided to cut me out totally. Although he did reply  on both mornings after that incident.  Lai wah asked me earlier to think if I care for him or I ❤him. I shared I ❤him coz it ache me that he can't be there to share my joy or sorrow daily, could not accompany me to outings, spend time with me...I miss him a lot too...I yearn for his touch and his kisses...of course I did not tell her all that above.  Too much details to be shared bout my personal life. Yes, I ❤him.  If I care for him only I would not feel this way if he did not reply or if we did not meet. I am bit worried now coz he had not responded to any of my messages since this morning.  Now he had turned of his data or hp. I hope he is just resting, he had shared that this week is bad for him. He had feel worst and it might be unbearable too since he shared he feels he is getting weaker and weaker. I will just have to wait patiently and probably start to chant that all will go smoothly on his side if he is in hospital today. Please stay strong and fight bi❤

I went berserk 😓😢

I finally vent out my frustration at my "bi" . I regretted it. Totally regretted it and felt so bad about it. He is going through life and death and here I am being a selfish and emotional bitch venting out my loneliness and emotional stress on him. The last thing I wanted is to make him feel bad about himself not able to make me happy and be the wonderful boyfriend, lover and partner to me. I really screw up everything this time.

How it started ? He was not well yesterday and I decided to cook something and go to his place to have lunch with him. When I arrive, I send him a message but there was not reply . So I waited at the lounge at the condo and just waste my time reading through the creative life magazine.  After waiting for 2 hours and kinda hungry, so I send his food up to his place and came down to the BBQ area and had my lunch before I leave the condo. I think he was sleeping or if not probably out working whichever, so I did not want to disturb him until he reply.  I left slightly after 3 pm to run my aircraft errands . When I got home at 5pm there was a reply from him that he was upset at me and kinda shared that I do not understand that how my action of delivering food made him feel. I felt really  really bad and sad. I had not intended to go and drop of the food like last time.  He forbid me coz it was too far and too troublesome for me.  This time I had really wanted to go and have lunch together with him😭😢.  I send him a needs age to explain and when he did not respond I kinda felt frustrated that he ignore my messages and send a kinda pathetic frustrated explanation 😧I am really tired of waiting . He did not reply.

I stopped myself from causing further strain in our relationship. I went to kneel in front of Gohonzon to calm myself. Let him have a rest.

This morning I send him a text. He replied to not think too much and have a good flight.  I am not even sure what that means. Could it be that he is asking me to love on and not think ? I am still sending him updates on me. I am not sure what he is thinking and it is kinda making me afraid that he will make a drastic move to cut me out to end my misery . I am not sure what else to do but to wait for him. Well after all, he is the one going through the illness. He deserves to have a break more than me. I should have just be more patient with him if I truly love him. 

Time of the month mood swing and probably he is too...

Today is not a good day for my "bi". It seems the hectic weekend schedule for him had probably taken a toll on his health/body. I kinda sensed it since yesterday morning when his responses is low. It seems that when he is not well during his treatment period he tend to be very very quiet and low in responses. He had shared a headache yesterday evening and this morning that he is not well. I kinda know that when he is going through this bad period he will refuse to see me at all, as he once said that he does not not want me to see him in a foul, angry , fatigue mood. But....I had chosen to be here at his condo. I had brought him food despite him constantly telling me not to do so. I know he will probably be annoyed but I just want to do it since he can't come over to my place to eat it. Well...he did say that he wanted to come and eat the healthy organic food I prepared daily if possible.  So here I am at his place but I think he is asleep as he had not responded to my messages.  I will just wait as I do not want to wake him from his sleep/rest. It's my easy or him to fall in deep sleep due to the pain he is going through at this moment.

I did had some frustration  yesterday when his responses was low and even drafted something to him. This is what I felt yesterday night

("Bi I will stay away for a few days . I feel that I am not needed in your life and redundant at this moment.  I am a bit on the down side probably coz I feel that you can't put me in your priority now and unlike my own willingness to put you on no. 1 in my life. The reason I feel this way coz it seems that the more I try, the harder I try the lesser you reciprocate. Most of my messages are being read n not replied or responded at all. Most times I felt that I m talking to myself or a wall . I feel so pathetic at times like this.  Although I know you are probably resting or talking to your mum, but I am just guessing.  Am I updating you too frequently bout me that you are feeling so assured that you feel you do not need to reply or share with me your daily updates ? I just feel very very lonely in this relationship. Do we still have a relationship or I am just a person that you will meet when you can slot me in or when u feel lonely? Even when you are still awake/online but you did not respond  to me. I have to wait and wait for your reply. Do you know I hate the waiting game? I am trying to make excuses for you by thinking probably you are having one of those emotional turmoil battle running through you again. Making excuses to make myself feel good and not feel like an outsider or just somebody in your life ... I really felt very silly stupid to keep knocking my head to the wall. U insisted that I should not bring food to your place but you will come over but you never came at all. You say you rather come daily to eat the healthy organic food I will prepare but you never have the time. Please don't say you will do this and that until you do it. Do you realise that you had shared a lot of things that you will but you had not done most of it and it keeps me hanging and hoping that you will? Again it's me on my part silly and hanging on to it. There are days I am not sure if I am angry at you. So angry that I think I might hate you for not making me happy coz you can. You say you are helping people and it makes you happier , why not help to make me happy too... sometimes we tend to neglect the one closest to us without realising it .")

This morning I felt better after chanting and preparing his healthy organic lunch. Just one of the days in my mood swing 

May I have my "bi" back fully in my life please?

It has been days since I shared on the status of my life. My "bi " had indeed appeared back into my life but not fully back. Why? Coz he had somehow agree to continue to see me and "hang out" with me but he insist that he will not and does not have the right to provide me the commitment in a relationship to me. I do wonder what he meant by this ? He keep insisting he does not want to hurt me, he felt wrong to allow me to come back into his life, if not coz of this illness he will not push me away ... there is a part of the negative side that feels that he just does not want to commit in this relationship coz I am probably not the one.

At the same time there are days he seems like his usual self in responding to my messages but there are days he just read but never reply my messages ... I know inside me I wanted more than what we are currently having but part of me fear of asking more that he will retreat again. At times I do wonder why am I putting myself in this situation allowing myself to be in such a disadvantage position and always succumbing to his will, always abiding by his way so I would not upset him and always worrying that my action will disturb or annoy him. I worry too much. I just need to stop worrying and just go on with my life on days that he is not responding to me. When I do miss him, the only way to cure this is chanting or looking back at all the pictures we had together. He even refused to add me back to his Facebook coz I deleted it and he view that I would do it again out of anger.

I was very certain before he appeared the direction I want to pursue for his health and happiness but now it seems I had to rethink what I should do or what I can do.... there are things I promised him I will not do it although I still want to do it e.g delivering food to him now coz I am not allowed, he does not want me to travel all the way to do it and I did promised him I will not... I am going back for my singing class today. Hopefully the class today will inspired me to my direction and path.

Finally decided to use my new S7 and cut my hair last week. Here's the preview of the camera...

His thought on us...

After a few days of non-stop conversation  through WhatsApp with my bi, he finally shared that he will not ,cannot and , has no right to give me any commitment. His answer has provided me a understanding but at the same time I was quite sadden knowing that he still does not want me to be fully involved in his life at this moment . It had taken him 2 months and me lots of patience and "soup" before he decides to finally see me. I don't want to lose him again hence I don't want to force him in giving me any answer or commitment at this moment. I will wait as what I had shared to him earlier, waiting for him patiently and providing as much care and time whenever he allows me to do so. I nearly teared when I received his sharing/message earlier but I am glad he shared.

I am still waiting for our first night together but for now he is not ready to give me that as he does not want me to be there if he gets emotional with his condition/pain.  I know he will be one day . I just have to wait patiently for him to be ready . I just want to be able to wake up beside him watching him sleep soundly and peacefully beside me. Today will be one of those days where by I will be disappointed but this feeling will eventually make me stronger too. It is just one of this days for me.

"Bi please understand that I am doing all this coz I really love you and nothing else. I just want to be with you as long as you are still breathing. Please rest assure I will continue to live a fulfilling life as I belive that's what you want me to do. I love you from the day we started and I will continue to love you as long as you are alive and even after you are gone. Rest assured I will be strong and continue living my life to the fullest knowing that you love me till the day you are gone. Love you always bi ❤

Turn of event

I am suddenly lost at words on what to write or express at this moment. The intense feeling of venting out is suddenly gone. It is bring replaced by the sense of calmness. Does this mean that I am going through the transformation of fundamental darkness to enlightenment? It is due to my own chanting and determination on kosenrufu or coz my "bi" had finally agreed to allow me to be there and open up to share with me. If it's the second reason then I might fall into my own fundamental darkness if my "bi" should ever choose to go back to his own silent world again. Since I am unable to find the answer, the best way is to continue what I do now, chanting to complete my 1 million daimoku, mission in kosenrufu to share Buddhism to as many people as possible and assisting them to find their own path towards absolute happiness, to continue to be strong for my "bi" emotionally and nourishing him 😊. I believe I will have the answer one day...

My bi had chosen the path to continue fighting and at the same time to help as many people as possible while he is alive.  I love him a lot and his selfless act had made me love him even more now. I will be there to assist him in his mission...

I has decided to cancel my trip to Paris end of September partly coz a few things had suddenly turn up. Lai Wah needs to go for chemotherapy next week and she will need someone to be there for her since Keng Keng is not in Singapore. She had asked and I want to be there for her coz she had been there for me. So I can't go back to Malaysia to see my family.  I will just have to go back after F1 is over. At the same time I had made a vow to contribute the whole month salary for this  year "Gokayu " and I would like to fulfill it. I will need to change the heater at home and just paid the contractor for my mum's minor renovation. I am going to upgrade and buy a new hospitalizations policy for mum which will cost me almost 3k. There is also possibility of investing in Espresso lab. It will kinda put my budget a bit tight to spend in Paris . Lastly there is a possibility my "bi" might be able to travel during year end and I would like to go with him so I have to save up my leave for that. Paris and Bordeaux will just have to wait for awhile then...

I think the excuses above are just excuses coz I just want to be in Singapore for my "bi " now that he allows me to do so😊

Soup for my bi...

It has been a week since I had sort of upset my bi. I was in Africa for a week. Travelling around on duty and keeping busy had made me think of my bi not responding to me lesser. I still have him in my thoughts daily. Everyday after a hard and tough day, I thought of sharing to him but it will made me look like whining so u decided not  to do so. It also reminded me of my tough days when I was doing my US trip and my bi had promised that he will 'sayang' me when I am back in Singapore. I just had to be tougher this time.

I had written to him and send him a few photos of my travel in Africa. He had not responded to any of my message but I know he had read it. I had even shared that I was elated when I found out from one of my guest that my boss speaks highly of me when I was not around and to continue to surprise my boss daily...lolz...it had really made my day and I had shared this happy news with my bi.

Jeremy was very persistent in sending WhatsApp to me throughout my Africa trip asking if he should come over and accompany me after my trip. I had allowed him to do so trying to figure if I can get over my bi by seeing some other people. I could not. He tried to hug me. I don't feel a single thing. He tried to kiss me and I don't even feel like responding to his kiss. All the time when we talk, I could just think of my bi beside me. I even shared that I still love my bi although my bi choose not to see me when Jeremy asked about my bi. I really want my bi only and no one else. We went for dinner and he even offered to accompany me to Paris if I agree to do so. I did not respond to him as I wanted to fulfil a mission on my own when I am I Paris in September.

I had delivered 'vampire slayer ' soup to my bi on Monday morning only to get a negative respond from him which really hurts me a lot. I did not know what to respond to him initially. This time I was not defeated. I choose to stand strong and support him as long as he is alive. I am quite glad that my bi had shared with me his condition from his last check up on last week, and his thoughts on a few things. For now I will be staying away form my bi for at least 1 week, kinda quarantine myself after Africa trip from my bi. I hope that he will want to meet me next week when I am back. I miss him a lot. Miss him every single days. I am planning to send him soup again later ...hopefully he will not reject it...

Am I ready to move on?

I had stopped writing for the past few days not knowing what to write anymore and not knowing if I am deciding to give up on my "bi". Too many times he had disappointed me when he had given me hope that we will meet up the day before. He had always given the same reason/excuse that he did not want anyone to see him in this situation when he is weak and emotionally unstable. I could not understand and did not know what else I could do anymore. I was suddenly very devastated that he 'probably' did have a change of heart already. A lot of wild thoughts had been coming into my mind especially when I saw the ladies sandal/slippers at his unit when I deliver his birthday dinner. I had contemplated to ask him when I meet him as I would like to see his reaction but that opportunity never came. I guess the encouragement of words and frequent words of exchanges last week had probably given me hope that he might finally want to meet up. That is the reason why I had fallen in despair on Saturday when he insisted he did not want to meet me again and I had been forcing the situation again. Another wild thoughts that came to my mind is, why is he at the clinic at 5 plus in the evening. Is he really sick or is he lying to me all these while? I really wanted to see for myself the truth.

I had gone to his condo on that Saturday evening and ring the bell of the unit. Nobody answered the door, or the person in it saw me and refuse to open the door. I was silly that I waited behind the staircase for him to be back. I waited and waited till 10 plus and move to the swimming pool area and waited for him to be back. I really felt stupid and silly but at the same time I need to find out the truth. He never appear even after midnight. I left and send him a message asking bout the ladies sandals/slippers and his outing with his friends in FB last Saturday to celebrate his birthday, informing him I will stay away for now till he is ready to meet me. He only read the message at 4 am on Sunday. He did not reply. I should take that as a sign that he is just no longer into me anymore RIGHT????? But I could not, I refuse to wake up or do anything on Sunday. I missed all my Soka activities. I was back to my despair self. I had lost my direction and purpose in life again. I was dead inside. Fortunately I had a flight on Monday, so I was left with no choice but to pull myself up and leave the house to get the final grocery and catering for the departure on Monday. That helped me a little to focus on other stuff than him. Talking to Uber and taxi drivers kinda made me feel better too. It seems that talking to strangers made me feel better as I did not need to explain how I feel today...

I did not send him any message at all on 14th August 2016 for once since 12th May 2016. I had never stopped sending him WhatsApp even on days he was MIA or when he refuse to let me in his life after he told me he found out he is sick. I arrived Harare today, tired partly due to me not able to sleep well the previous night. I am not sure why but I checked him on WhatsApp and he was online, I contemplated to send him a message, type and deleted type and deleted, he was still online after 5 minutes. I thought he was probably like me waiting for each other to see who will type first. When I finally send him a message I realised he was not waiting for me but he was online with someone else. It was then that I realise it was only my wishful thinking that he might still into me and thinking bout me. How silly could I be? Part of me was still thinking of sending him a soup when I am back from Africa and now even after reading my message he did not bother to reply. He just say that "I am NOT just another person in his life" "If he does not have this bloody illness he would not push me away" Now none of what he say meant anything when he could not be bothered to reply me. I wanted to cry out but I could not.

Loving someone means letting the person go and allowing him the happiness he deserve??? Can I let him go? Will I be able to let him live a happy and peaceful life? What if he is really sick? Those friends who had once supported me to hang on for him are beginning to advice me to let it go and move on. They could not bear to see me going through this daily, at times happy but at times devastated. They all feel that if he really care even though he is sick he would not do such things as neglecting me like now. He would be bothered and concern by how I feel even though he is sick...I choose to defend him so many times that I had run out of excuse and reason to do so...I am beginning to feel tired and constantly weak emotionally... Jeremy had been texting to check on me regularly that he even find time in the daytime to accompany , which in the past he would not have any for me at all...I had rejected him politely so far with excuses, I am not ready to spend time with him, I am away for flight, I am soka centre chanting, etc. Will I say yes the next time he text him although I know deep down I miss my 'bi' more than anyone in this world now? Will I just choose to take the comfort provided by Jeremy coz I am weak?

Celebrating his birthday from a distance

What happened yesterday on 11th August 2016? It is my "bi" birthday . As I shared previous day, I was at his condo waiting for him to be back to pass him the "birthday gift (chanting beads)", he assured me(I would not say promised ) that he will meet me yesterday at 930am at my place and asked me to go back and not wait for him I'm the middle of the night. I was still in bed at 930am yesterday morning,  too tired and probably I just refuse to wake up knowing that he might not come and see me. I was right bout him not coming to see me 😟. Although disappointed but I was not entirely upset.  I kinda predicted and partly I am too tired mentally to be upset . I just found out yesterday that one can even be too tired mentally to be angry or upset😀does that mean I don't care anymore ??? He shared that he did drive to my place but along the way he felt pressurised and decided to turn back coz he really does not want me to see him at his condition  of emotionally unstable, lethargic, fatigue and weak. I wonder why ? Did he think I will love him less? Did he think I will pity him ? I already told him numerous times that I care and not pity . Both are different. What did I do the whole day? Well, I was supposed to go to Orchard to get more grocery for the coming Africa trip.  So I decided to cook his birthday meal and send to him. I forgot to take a picture of it though. I need to be more diligent in taking photos especially since I just got myself a new Samsung S7 edge. No iPhone for me till today . Still refuse to get one . I nearly wanted to get one coz I want to face time my "bi" but since he refuse to even see me , what more talk bout face time (this phrase is very slang ). Back to his birthday meal. I was at his condo bout 330pm. Send him a message no reply.  I thought he was probably still sleeping at home. So I waited and waited, went up to his unit and wanted to leave the stuff at the door but I was not entirely 100% sure if I had remembered it correctly his unit number. So I waited till 5 plus when he reply.  Initially there was a debate, he ask to leave the stuff at the guard post, I wanted to leave at his door coz I tried the night before to leave the beads and they refuse to take it, he insist and will call security to keep coz cleaner might throw the stuff if I leave at his door. In the end, I just left the stuff at his door and leave . Don't want to argue or cause a commotion  at security post. One thing that still puzzled me is why are there so many pairs of slipper and a few female sandals outside his unit ? Is he staying with someone ? Is there a reason  why he had refused me to go to his place till now coz he is actually staying with someone ? Am I thinking too much ? It did not bother me yesterday but this morning it is kinda bugging me. Do I want to ask him ? I am not sure now.

Anyway I had a good meal with a glass of wine for diner yesterday and send him the photo

He replied that enjoyed the dinner I send him, appreciate my effort & it was one of the best birthday dinner he ever had . I was closed to tears of happiness. I am such a hopeless sucker and so easily contented 😀😄. Am I?  Although he send me an encouraging reply,  deep down I know it's not going to go back to our pre-cancer situation. He will still refuse to see me and only reply my message when he feels like it. Sometimes I wonder how long do I have to endure this ? How long can I be patient over this situation?  Will I give up on him one day ? Time will tell . 

Silliest thing I am doing for ❤or myself ???

I am doing something very silly today. Something that I had wanted to do from the beginning when all this happened but did not. Here I am nearby to his condo waiting for him to be back or he is already home and probably with his "family " . Anyway its his birthday on 11th August. I just wanted to pass him the chanting beads I bought for him and wish him "happy birthday " . I had asked earlier in the evening if I can come over after my soka meeting.  He had replied "It's OK don't have to. I will be with some family later " I am not sure if I am reading too much into "some family" that I felt it will be with Jenny's family.  So I asked but he never reply. If its true with them then they are all probably up in the condo celebrating his birthday. He never even read my last message if they are celebrating his birthday. Anyway I am kinda pissed off that he again chooses not to reply me . So wrote him a kinda upset message but this time no guilt on my side . Just wanted to share to him to be fair to me too. I decided to come over here and pass him his beads and go back home. I send him a message when I arrived but he has not seen his whatsapp since 930pm. I had been waiting here since 10 plus. I know it's silly but I just want to do it. I refuse to give up. I think I am stubborn and just want to win and do it my way. I am not sure what is the outcome tonight or this morning . It's already passed midnight and he had not seen the message . Will I be waiting here at the bus stop till morning ? I think if I do it will most probably be the silliest thing I had done for ❤in my whole life. There is no guarantee of the outcome too. He might be furious and pissed off that I am doing such crazy stuff . He probably thinks I am cuckoo and crazy too. Let it be let it be....

Singapore 51st National day

I was not motivated today to wake up for my Byakuren duty this morning , I was my own sansoshima. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. It seems like I am half hearted in my struggle for my "bi". I felt really bad. I felt I am tired. If I can feel tired with just fighting alongside him and not even fighting for my life, I believe my "bi" is even worst. No wonder he shared that he is still sad and angry at the whole situation.

Partly my fault for waking up late coz I stayed up late to watch "My Sassy Girl " US version. I did not even know the title of the movie till after I watched and Google it. I just saw on TV and he say something "this is the story how I fall in love and never stop loving her" I am not sure if this is coincidental but the song that I picked to learnt and record for my "bi" is from the same movie but the Chinese version. I did not even know the link between the song I picked till Lai Wah told me it's original is a Korean song from the a very popular Korean romance drama in 2001 "My Sassy Girl ". How ironic can it be???

I joined Lai Wah to watch the  Singapore National Day Parade as she had extra tickets . I had not been to one and don't mind the crowd just this once. It was an amazing experience and I truly enjoyed it. I feel so proud to be Singaporean when I am at the event. This is the 1st time the event was held at the new National Stadium. The whole performance was so interactive and it involved the audience as well. We will wear a watch which will project different colors of light whenever the centre stage perform. It was amazing and YWDS of SINGAPORE Soka Association performed a wonderful display. All along I keep sending photos and updates to my "bi" and hoping that it will encourage him to fight for us, to watch the NDP 2017 together next year ...it will be his birthday in the next 2 days. I hope he will agree to meet me on that day. I feel that I can only based it all on Daimoku for now. I suddenly feel like seeing him now...

Truth vs Lie

It had been an encouraging morning although not what I had wanted it to be.  My "bi" shared more bout his condition , treatment and health status . Although he still refuses to meet me today but I was not upset at all. I understand he might have his reason not wanting me to see him in his crappy condition with acne and rashes , side effect from the iressa and lost of weight. He is also very tired and sleeping pattern disrupted due to the pain he is going through. I can only send my daimoku to him.  I had even shared bout the possibility of recovery. Based on what I read online although he refuses to believe it . He requested for the website and I send him. Hopefully Mark could encourage him to fight on.

Later in the evening I suddenly felt like seeing him so I just looked into his Facebook page and saw that there was a gathering on 6th August last Saturday to celebrate his and 2 more of his close buddies birthday as well. I became suspicious . Hmm...he once told me Facebook is open to public and it all depends on how one or who post stuff up. If I choose to believe that he was very sick last week when I text him on Saturday,  the only conclusion  I could get from the photos are, he was out with them the week before he started Iressa coz I did check with Desmond and he say they met up on the 3rd week of July and my "bi" would still looks OK during that time . The photo was just posted weeks later. If that is the case, I would also conclude that it seems that none of his friends know that he is going through this cancer. The photo of "bi" seems to look OK and not sick at all, so none of his friends would suspect otherwise.

If I choose to believe that photo that he was out with them on 6th August, it means my "bi" had been lying all along and this cancer is his only way to get me out if his life coz I am such a vulnerable easily duped girl that would believe everything he says.  I was confused between the truth and the lie. I had wanted to go to his place after my pole dancing class.  During the whole class I enjoyed it so much that the Facebook photo did not really upset me anymore. I decided to just go back home. After performing the evening Gongyo,  I decided to choose to believe the version my "bi" tells me. I will just need to have faith that he is not lying to me at all. He is really going through the treatment to fight his lung , brain and pancreatic cancer . I choose to be there to support him in whichever way until the day he recovers . If all the above is a lie, at least nobody dies and worst case is I will never love again but at least my "bi" live ☺... that is all that matter to me now... I had chosen to believe him and whatever he say coz I believe he truly loves me and will never lie to me ...good night "bi"❤

Wonderful Sunday awaiting his reply

I woke up late this morning and missed the Sunday once a month Sensei's video. Nevertheless I still went for the Byakuren rehearsal at Senna.  It was an uplifting day to be able to spend the time with my Byakuren sisters .

Took a few shots in the morning to send to my bi🐷to wish him Good morning . I had a wonderful time at Lai Wah's birthday tea session, meeting her friends.

The food was amazing. I did not even need to have dinner after the sumptuous meal. They did open a nice bottle of Faiveley 1st Cru and VCP champagne for the afternoon tea. A very generous and hospitable host . 

When I was at Bedok NTUC to get some grocery odw back,  it was playing our song "Thinking out loud" . . I am not too sure if it's a sign to tell me to persevere, although I already kinda decided to go on and fight for my happiness with him. Although there are days I am lonely and quite down but I felt those days made me realised that I need to fight harder, have more patience , believe that our ❤will pull us through. There had been so many positive testimonial on Iressa on various support group that I believe he will live. I had chanted 2 hours hoping that he will let me know if he will be able to meet up tomorrow.  It's close to midnight and no reply from him although he had read all the messages I send him. There are days when I send my messages I have this fear that one day he will stop reading my messages or started to be annoyed by my messages or ignore me totally.  I am constantly checking if he is online to ensure he is OK.  I hope that one day soon I will be able to not have this fear. I am hopeful even if he is not able to meet tomorrow,  there will always be another tomorrow...coz I believe 😉

Busy day but it end well...

I am sitting in the car on the way to Halim Airport. I had noticed that "bi" usually will be quiet offline from morning till late afternoon 3 to 4pm. I am not sure what is going on in his life and his treatment.  It is worrying me but there is nothing I could do except send my prayers to him. There was an urge to contact Jenny just to see if she is taking care of him now. I don't mind anymore even to share him with someone else. I just want him to be taken care, love and supported during his 1st phase of treatment.  I really regretted now not asking him his exact address so I could at least send him.food him food when I am in Singapore.

I had been staying positive through chanting and hopefully this energy could be transfered him through WhatsApp.

It was quite a busy hectic crazy flight but I am glad all the pax was happy wit the bakmi goreng and ayam opor plus the cut nanas batu and Harum manis.  The pilots were amazing and they helped out with he dishes too...😀

The best of all after I land is my "bi" replied me😊. It made the hardwork today all worthwhile.  He is tired and in pain ,  but he say possibility of meeting on Monday.  That is enough to lift up my spirit knowing that he still wants to meet up. I am just chanting that he will be strong to go through this pain he is enduring daily. Hugs and ❤bi, stay strong knowing that I will always be here anytime u need me...

Continue to be strong for my "bi" ...

I did not want to wake up yesterday or this morning, or go to Seletar yesterday to get the work done. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. It was alright for the past few days.  I am worried that I might be going down towards the path of depression. I miss him a lot . It's really not easy not having him to acknowledge my support for him. Will I be able to hold on and be strong ? Will I be so weak that I will jump to Jeremy the next time he text me? Although knowing that my love is only towards my "bi" now. I feel so lonely yesterday night. At least I did not starve myself like previously.  I even juice to ensure I have the sufficient nutrients yesterday.

This morning my boss called to wake me up. He was my shoten zenjin today, he also made my day by not asking me to prepare any food for tomorrow's flight back to Singapore. I felt being taken care although the person I wish was my "bi". Anyway I was glad for the call boss, coz I still refuse to get out of bed after 930am. Going to work and meeting my colleagues and seeing them happy on board makes me feel better today. Bi has not responded bout the possibility of meeting me this Sunday or next week. I had been hopeful till now. I am just worried that he might not be feeling too well and did not want me to see him when he us weak. I had chanted 2 hours after dinner and hopefully my prayers will give him strength.

Budwig, is it a good idea???

An interesting encounter happened this morning , I board a taxi to Mt. E to accompany Lai Wah to see her doctor. The taxi driver happens to tall bout a cancer hospice whereby he volunteer, to cheer up the cancer patient. I shared to him bout my "bi" and he advised to ensure that my "bi" is happy coz happy hormone helps in fighting cancer. He also knows bout SSA and a few of the leaders in my district. What a coincidence ! It seems that I had shoten zenjin coming into my life daily to assist me to be strong for my "bi".

The experience to go in and meet Peter (Lai Wah's oncologist ) was another eye opening experience as well. It seems more like a chat rather than consultation. He was rather a charming person too😊. I shared with Lai Wah about the Budwig treatment and consulted her if it's a good idea to propose to my "bi". She heard about it but her doctor do not recommend it to her. Anyway she will read bout it and let me know what she thinks . I am still hopeful that it will work for my "bi" to cure him from cancer but at the same time I am worried coz in order to go for the treatment , one have to stop all medication/treatment.  I am worried if this will make it worst for my "bi". The more I read I feels that it us a detox and reset the body system to use one's own immune system to fight that tumor in the body,  to allow more oxygen as tumor can't survive in an oxygenated environment.  I need a direction  on this and the best way to approach is through Daimoku . I am on the way to Senja to chant b4 my class .

I was worried when I did not see him online until just now.  I hope he is stronger. He did not read my message yet. Not sure if I am annoying him already.  I send him a photo of me with morning wishes. I just need to have faith that all will work out well. At times I think I am in denial wishful thinking that we will get back together , although I did say it does not matter if we are together as long as he lives. Lai Wah reminded me again this morning to not expect anything coz it will be painful and difficult for him too. Am I being self centred and thinking of what I want again ?

 Jeremy had been very active in checking on my situation lately. Last week he type "I love you". I assumed he accidently typed wrongly. Then he asked to come and accompany me on the weekend.  I rejected. Today he implied that he wanted me to be his women. I wanted to have the comfort from someone but it's not him.  I feel nothing for him at this moment.  I just missed Freddy so much that all I can do is chant daily and go for classes to better myself, so when he sees me I can show it to him.

Just had a wonderful evening with Michelle and she fully support me wanting to fight for my happiness with Freddy.

what's in my thought?

I did not know what I should write yesterday,  I basically filled up my day with activities, from meeting Bruno for lunch to meet up my new chief pilot at Starbucks after lunch to my pole and strip tease class in the evening. I still could not get my mind off my "bi". I was quite worried that he shared that he was not well this week. I was wondering if he needed any assistance to do housework or get grocery . I know he does not want to burden me with all these chores so I could only offered my cleaning lady to assist or send him a few website whereby he could order organic grocery delivered to his place.  He did not come online till late evening at 4 plus. I was getting a bit worried if he had eaten . The only way to calm my worries is based my faith on Daimoku.  I had gone to SYC at Pasir Panjang to chant for 2 hours . I was tempted to take a taxi to his place to check if he is ok coz we are so close by but I managed to refrain myself from doing so. I know that he would not like it if I turn up. The moment I saw him online I was so relief.

Bruno had shared a talk he heard recently whereby it's a natural therapy to heal cancer rather than medical science . I read the articles yesterday night when I could not sleep. The Budwig centre in Malaga. It seems hopeful and there was a testimonial about a stage 4 lung cancer patient that was cured using the method. It was 13 years ago n he is still alive.  I need to get more information before I could propose to my "bi". I don't want to give him false hope.  I pray that he would allow me to accompany him for the 2 weeks treatment in Malaga. I really want him to try it if this is the last resort and if there is even a slight chance or survival. I wrote to them and chant that they will reply me soon.

I am going to join the girls for lunch today at ION. I am keeping myself occupied daily although I am quite tired and rather stay at home.  I believe going out is good and it boost the positive energy around me .

I received a reply from Budwig centre an hour ago.  I am trying to digest the information send to me. It seems very hopeful.  I read the article from Bruno's email to undestand how all these works bout cancer feeding on sugar and anaerobic environment . I need to compile all articles and information and print out before I meet my "bi". I need lots of daimoku to have the wisdom to share and not throw all information just like that to him. This is a very delicate matter and one can get defensive over it. Let me complete my minimum 2 hours daimoku before I proceed. I need to focus on my vocal class now in order to record the song for him .

I just did my 2nd vocal class.  I could not believe when I hear myself sing.  I could sing the song.  It's not perfect yet but I could sing. I need to practise on my breathing , hold and push now to capture the correct tune. I really hope that this song will encourage him. He seems to be online more often today.  I hope that he is feeling better today. I miss him a lot.

Reading the information from Budwig Cancer Centre while finishing the bottle of wine from Saturday, digesting the information.  Worried what he would think if I propose this to him.  So many things running through my mind. I just want him to live and be alive . Will I be able to let him go n live his life if he live . I really love him a lot and miss him so much ....

A wonderful day an unexpected day

Today I had a great day...I had not expected it to turn out this way. I had skipped my Sunday morning Gongyo and felt bad about it. I was not expecting anything out of a normal Sunday although I had made plans with Winnie and Poon.  Woke up just in time to get ready to go to Winnie's place to join her for Bah Kut Teh feast at her soon to be opened new stall at People's Park centre.

Met some wonderful people , especially a lady named Juliet who used to be food columnist and had a wonderful sharing bout food in Malaysia and Singapore.  I would say the bah kut teh was not as authentic as the one in Klang but if one is craving for it, it will do 👍. They had toned down on the herb and star anise after effect to accommodate to local Singaporean palate .  Went for a movie with Poon which we had not done for the longest time. I had no expectations of "Cold War" so I really enjoyed the movie. It was raining heavily after the movie so we decided to go shop houses tour at joo chiat area. We even walked all the way from joo chiat road to tanjong katong road after the rain stopped, to try out this new cafe "Do main " (been there for a year ) . During the coffee session I told Poon bout Freddy.  For the first time in my life after knowing him , I felt very close to him to share my inner secrets with him. I am not sure why or how but I felt connected to him. I had never shared any of my relationship with him since I knew from uni days, he had liked me and confessed and I had rejected him. There are times in our 20 years of friendship I miss him so much that I thought I might liked him more than friends but was afraid to attempt it coz I worry I might lose a wonderful friend. Today by sharing bout Freddy to him kinda calm me down.  I am not sure why ...

After that we decided to walk all the way back to his condo coz he needed to clock 40k steps lol. .. we did a stop at wine connection and decided to open a bottle and ordered Chinese from next door.  I has so much food today that I think I will blow up. My stomach is showing today .

Although it was a great evening , my mind is still thinking of Freddy.  I requested to meet up and he replied that he is not feeling too great lately, and probably to meet another week. Simple message like that really made my day. I miss him a lot... I wish he was there with me too coz the place was playing our song earlier "thinking out loud"

Another day when I really miss him...

This morning I refuse to wake up. I was supposed to attempt my 10 hours marathon chanting but I just refuse to wake up. I had a full day yesterday, US Embassy, breakfast at Paul Pattiserie, chanting at SYC, durian a office, Byakuren daimokukai at my place... I was so busy that my mind is still thinking of him. I miss him...

I finally decided to wake up at noon and clear the dishes form yesterday evening. I had been eating a lot lately and I just weight myself this at noon. Even after finishing whatever balance of the nyonya kueh from yesterday gathering and ate so much durian, my weight is still 49.5 kgs.

I think I should get my body checked soon to see if there is something wrong with me. I managed to chant 2 solid hours of  daimoku although I had intended to do 10 hours. Decided to take. A break and watch a movie in my IPad , 巴黎假期  .  Had downloaded the movie for sometime and decide to open a bottle to go with the movie. I even cooked a kimchi noodles with 2 eggs to go with the wine and movie, had 2 espresso and a timtam chocolate.

 Now I guess you all believe that when I say I had been eating junk. There was a time I refuse to eat coz I hated food and viewed that all food is killing me and causing the cancer in a human being. Now I am loading myself with junk coz I want to get cancer. How ironic is it? The movie was very meaningful, it tells a story of a heartbreak but both main character lives through it, it also tells a story of a love loss just like me and Freddy. I had shared with Freddy to watch it if he has time. I hope that he will understand that it's not about forever but finding the soulmate. I found my soulmate and its him Freddy Phua Cheng Kiat.

Lucretia came over and visit me today.  She shared that it is my karma and Freddy's karma to go through this challenge. She suggested me to look at the perspective that he might have a mission too, for him to meet me before all these happened.  I have a mission to share this to him. Although the main challenge now would be to meet him to share this view to him. I just have to based my daimoku to enable me to open his view on this perspective. I also need to ensure that he is happy so he could fight the tumor. I should probably suggest to watch comedy to enable him to laugh and be happy to produce more happy hormone to fight the cancer .
Yes I will do that ... tonight going to bed and hoping that next week he will agree to meet up...miss him a lot...

You gave me hope again ...

Woke up early this morning to submit my passport to US Embassy.  I am very impressed with the service from them.  They replied my queries promptly online last week, managed to resolved the issue with the receipt and even the staff at the embassy was super friendly. Could it be my life conditions that I am viewing my surroundings differently? Either way it's a positive and good sign. I hardly comes to Orchard at such an early morning . It's basically empty even on the street. I need to go Mt.E to get my prescriptions. Hopefully this time i will be able to get it, tried a few places e.g. Changi Hospital pharmacy , SGH, unity and Guardian , to be back to Guardian at Mt.E.

Part of the reasons  I am feeling hopeful coz he replied my message yesterday. Send him an article to encourage him and glad that he reads it.

Sharon shared bout Sensei's struggle in Osaka campaign when he was 28 years old. He was diagnosed with tuberculosis and doc said he only had 2 years of life. Due to that reason he went all the way wholeheartedly to strive at Osaka campaign towards Mr.Toda wish of 750,000 households as he believe he cannot fail. If he fail means Mr.Toda will fail. Thus is his believe and conviction  towards the achievement of Kosenrufu toward his mentor's dream.  I can't fail too towards my 1 million daimoku as if I need to win for Freddy. I have to strive for him.  Is this consider part of Kosenrufu? Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism believes in practising for the happiness of oneself and others. Am I still consider doing it for the sake of Kosenrufu?

Managed to get the prescription 😊

Ordered Egg benedictine for the 1st time in my life 

Lai  Wah was kind to invite me to join her for her consultation  today.  To allow me to have a feel of accompanying a cancer patient through consultation and treatment, should I ever need to be there for Freddy.  Despite her going through the challenges she still think of me and trying to be there for me. I really appreciate it a lot and decided to accompany her for all her consultation and treatment whenever I am in Singapore.

Durian feast sponsored by the GM😃. My first feast of 2016

A bit emotional today ...

I woke up this morning a bit lost again . I know that when one is sick and takes medication , one is supposed to get better daily. This emotional sickness I am experiencing does not work in this way. There is no medication  other than chanting daily to build my inner state to be solid and stronger, to view each day positively , to find a purpose in each day. I would say that this is probably similar to cancer. It's not curable but treatable. He is going through the battle for cancer whereby I am going through the battle of my inner state.

I am not sure if I am worried or afraid that he will start to find me annoying and hate me ? Does he read my message or just click on the message but ignore it ? I am not even sure. Am I trying to hard to make him feel better daily that it's overwhelming to him? I am weak today . Could it be the monthly cycle that is making me emotionally drained today ? At least I am forced to go out again. I am glad that I did force myself to sign up for vocal class. I would like to record a song for him on his birthday. In fact he had suggested that he will sing me a song of my choice when we were together. He wants to play the piano while he sing to me. I would like to fulfill this vow too for his sake. Hopefully he will like to song I picked.

I just text his best buddy to check if they had been in touch. He say they did. I am relief to know he had friend around but at the same time quite hurt that he refuse to see me but choose to meet his buddy. At least knowing that he is OK from D kinda relief me a little.

I just came out from my first vocal class. Unexpected turn out today too. I nearly lost my patience and was a bit annoyed that I could not find the location of the place. I felt that Dee  (coach aka teacher) should have shared earlier bout the challenges to find his house rather than wait till I could not find it and only told me it's the wrong lrt stop . As I was walking looking for the block. I yearn to write to my "Bi" and shared with him my frustration. It seems that he comes to my mind when I am in sorrow and when I am in joy too. The whole process of going through the class and getting to know the coach makes me changed my mind later. I could connect with the coach and shared the reason behind me learning to sing. He understood and really wants me to improve to do a good recording for my "Bi". I actually feel great learning something new and knowing that I can sing too😊. I was approached by volunteers asking for donations  to special Olympic, agreed to do it coz I need as much good benefits to pass to him. I just spoke sponsored an athlete for a year.

I had an emotional evening at TIM meeting earlier
 It was something one of Sensei's message to youth that trigger me. I felt as if tonight the message was meant for me to fight the struggle I am going through my life now. He say to advance daily even though it's a "mm " as long as we advance and never retreat. My mind is blank after dialogue with Sharon and Sheila. A lot of mix emotion at the moment. I need to continue to chant for my 1 million daimoku cos I can't fail. The daimoku is for him to win and I need to win for him.  

Its ok to reject me but I will be there...

He finally replied to me after much persistence or probably there was something I said in the WhatsApp that ticks his nerve to want to reply me. Either way it does not matter. As long as he reply me. Although the reply was not very encouraging but it gave me an opportunity to share my view to him about the people around him who still care for him . I guess pushing him and keepp telling him daily, I miss and love him might be overwhelming for him at this point of time as he could not reciprocate the feelings although he wants to do it. He still refuses to allow me to visit or meet him. I will just have to continue to try again next week. I will probably give him a break this week.

I had felt much inspired and motivated to be with him irregardless of the outcome between us. For now, I will assume the position as a caring "friend". Nothing more than that. I just want him to continue to have hope to fight as I believe there is a possibility of him living longer than 5 years with the tumor in him. He just need to fight and live on. I just need to continue to receive his rejection and negativity till the day he finally cuts me out and probably hate me for bugging him. I know deep down he will understand that my intentions are good and its out of love to him that I am doing all these. The flight onboard to Manila went well and smooth although I did not have much sleep last night.

I am currenty writing at the lobby lounge of the Hyatt City of Dreams. Both the pilots had choosen to take a rest in the room. I find it too troublesome and waste of money to pay USD170 just for a few hours. I might as well just stay in the lobby to get some work done. I had not been organizing my mails and stuff for the past 3 weeks, I was not motivated to do anything. I just wanted to rot and drown myself in sorrow. It's time to get my life organized. I had even managed to have a good chat with Lisa and its like the way it used to be, us talking bout our flight and life. I feel like normal. Adeline had suddenly text me today to chat and encouraged me to write ot Sensei. I should probably share to him . He is like a father to me . Although he might be too busy to reply but I know he will chant for me to be victorious.

Me , myself and laptop in the lounge 

There is always unexpected things happening in daily life. It is how one perceive it... I just flew 4 "lechon" back from Manila.  One of the staff was kind to invite me to office on Friday to collect premium durian from Malaysia . It does make my day and at the same time I thought of Freddy too. He would had been excited bout the "lechon " and probably asked me to get him a portion to go with beer . At this stage it's different . He no longer could enjoy such delicacy and need to focus on eating healthy. I did shared with one of the younger staff when I saw him smoking, to cut down coz it will hurt his love ones when he is sick, just like what happened to Freddy now .  I really hope my daily sharing will enable Freddy to understand that there's much more to life and he needs to fight it and I will live better coz that's what he wants . I love Freddy  and will always love him .

Getting back to my old life b4 him...

I am not sure which is worst. Not being able to see him or not receiving any reply from him . Either one its not making it easier for me. I believe it's not easy for him too. I am trying to be brave and strong , to share my daily strength with him and hoping that he understands that I will try to move on. I just hope that he will not cut me out totally.  I still want to spend some time with him even as a friend.  Of course , I can't expect hugs and kisses coz it will make things difficult and painful for him too. Is that the reason he is avoiding to reply to me? That he will not be able to resist not hugging and kissing me when he sees me?

Today, I had tried to lead my usual life before his arrival into my life. It has not been easy but so far it's been quite smooth. I went to Changi Hospital to get the prescription letter provided by Dr.Ann for my treatment.  At the same time, I asked the pharmacist to explain further bout Iressa, when to take the med, how long is the duration, what does it really do to the tumor. I just want to make sure I understand what I read online.  Her explanation clarifies 1 thing for sure that the patient has to take the tablet daily as long as it is suppressing the tumor. Until the day that the tablets don't work or the toxicity level in the patient has reach the maximum,  then it's death sentence to the patient.  Basically his lung is a time bomb. Nothing could cure it just like how he explained it to me.  The medication is only taken to prolong his life as long as it could. Eventually he will need to leave me whether he chooses or not . Basically the choice is not up to him, but for now his choice is to let me go to lead my own life.

After that I walked under the rain to East point Mall. I could not stop crying coz knowing that it must have been so tough for him to face it alone.  I just ran through the usual grocery shopping for flight and cabin preparation . I was hungry today so I keep eating the moment I ce back home , the whole box of jack fruit, 5 sliced of raisin loaf and lots of water . I felt bloated and kept on eating n stuffing myself . I felt that my brain is not telling me to stop even though the stomach is full. Could it be that I have a tumor in my brain now ? I do wish that it happens so I could die with him too and reborn together in another life together ....silly and selfish thought ...

Being friend

This morning when I woke up, I kinda had a realisation that I had been too sellfish all along wanting things to go my way. I am not sure when this realisation came about. I am not even sure if I am suddenly giving up on him. I was planning to go to his Condominium today to check if he is really staying there and probably try to find his unit and send him food. When I woke up this morning, I realised that this is probably a crazy idea and I am beginning to sound like an obsessed lunatic. I need to stop this and love myself and live the life that he wanted me to live on. I just send him an encouragement to chant if it could make him feel better during the treatment.

I still love him but part of me is very much drained after a week of only me 1 sided wanting to walk along the journey with him and him constantly rejecting me daily. I refuse to get out of the bed and just wanted to go back to sleep and not think about anything for now. Life does not stop even though I choose to stop my life. The clock continues to tick and life continues...

I finally pull myself up, showered and got ready to leave the house. It was a great things that the girls invited me to afternoon tea so I am kinda forced to leave the house. I did feel much better when I was there and I did share with them the news. None of them expected this from me. The most they expected was that I am heartbroken and need time to heal. None of them expected to hear such incident to happen to the one I love. Although during the whole afternoon I was there, I did managed to eat till I could not eat anymore, stuff myself till my throat could not fill anymore, I did enjoy the afternoon with them. I guess it is good to be out doing something to take my mind off him. Part of me feels guilty as if I am enjoying the day and kinda forgot about him. I am not sure why I felt this way, does not mean I no longer love him or I don't love him that much as I claim I do...

I miss him a lot...every steps I did today during the pole dancing or the striptease steps, I imagines he was there watching. I have to dance well so he could enjoy my performance. Every move I  made, I would imagined what he once done to every inch of my body. I yearn for him badly...

When the girls drop me off at Taka earlier, it reminded me of him too. That was the 1st time we laid our eyes on each other. The first time we met. The first time he offered to pick me up to attend the briefing at Tampines on behalf of the bride and groom. That was how we started to connect...it seems everywhere I go it reminded me we were once there, on the escalator, on the lift, on the area...

I had decided to listen to him and move on but I had requested that he do not shut me out totally, I want to be there even though my status and rights had been demoted to a friend only. I don't mind. I just want to be able to visit him and see him although its only once a week...I hope he will agree to it...I will move on for his sake...I know it is not easy for him too...I have to move on and live a better life for his sake...I will still love him and only I need to know...nobody needs to know anything...not even him...

Iressa begins ...

I am glad to know that he had started his Iressa treatment.  He had also shared that he had been thinking a lot and his mind is clear,  he wants me to move on to find the opportunities in happiness and we will always be friend. I understand his intention  as he does not want me to wait for him and eventually be his burden.  I has also been thinking for the past few days about being with him. I am thinking if I an living in the sweet 6 weeks of honeymoon, love the guy on that 6 weeks and believe in that and refuse to wake up ? Or I truly love him now ? I can say that u can't stop thinking of him and miss him badly. I am asking myself to follow my sensible mind and let him go. To fulfil his wish to do what he wants me to go but my heart tells me otherwise,  I love him even if I choose to listen to him I truly love him . I had made up my mind today that I will love him in my way. To stay strong and continue living my life but never give him up. I will start preparing simple meal and deliver to him. Hopefully he will gain strength to fight against the tumor.  I will do it as long as he is still in Singapore . At this moment my heart cannot love others or my body cannot belong to others coz it's a promise I made . I believe he would had wanted to do the same thing but he just wants the best for me. I hope he will begun to realise the best for me now is to allow me to be with him. I will also need to start sharing to him to start chanting as well. Mystic Law really works in the most mysterious way and it will work for him too in healing him.