I had been trying to sleep since 930pm and it's now 130am. What is wrong with my mind? A lot of questions ... what am I doing with my life ? Is this the question he wants me to really consider ?
I did not sleep well. I was basically awake the whole night. It was probably due to my mind not able to rest or the sound of the heavy rain rattling at the aircon compressor. My mind had been racing and battling on should I let him go. Don't get me wrong and I know he won't blame me too. I still love him a lot and more than any of you can imagine. I just don't want him to be upset or worried bout me. Probably I should give him a break/space for a few days. He needs to sort out his thoughts too. No point I keep sending him message when he does not even want to reply me. I know he misses me too but there is nothing much he can do now. I just have to believe that time will tell and time will proof that our love will be strong even without words.
Today was a real emotional roller coaster . My pilot keep asking if I am OK to the extend I wanted to shout at him but I did not. He meant well. I suddenly felt like sharing and told him what I am going through , burst out crying. It could be the lack of sleep and the busy flight and it just hit me.
When I arrived at the hotel, tons of messages from my family about the saga between my mum and my brother. My mum wanting to commit suicide and my brother could not stand my mum anymore and so on. I started to hate this life I have now. It's like all this lifetime of practise is suddenly being tested through this time this moment. At times like this I wish I could run to my Bi and share it all to him. He is nowhere to be found today. I am not even sure what is happening. Since I had decided to give him a break for a few days , I should not text him. I should be strong and face this issue on my own. He has enough on his plate at the moment to be worrying bout my family saga. As for saga, for once in 20 years I will wash my hands off and let them handle it on their own. It's time they sort out their own mess rather than me keep assisting them to solve their issue.
After 1 hour of chanting , a lunch and a nap , I felt much better and calm. Another day another challenge to strengthen myself. This journey is not easy, full of pot holes, probably I might be bruised badly or even bleed but I had chosen to continue and I shall need to continue bravely. I know when I look back in future I definitely will have no regrets .
I did not sleep well. I was basically awake the whole night. It was probably due to my mind not able to rest or the sound of the heavy rain rattling at the aircon compressor. My mind had been racing and battling on should I let him go. Don't get me wrong and I know he won't blame me too. I still love him a lot and more than any of you can imagine. I just don't want him to be upset or worried bout me. Probably I should give him a break/space for a few days. He needs to sort out his thoughts too. No point I keep sending him message when he does not even want to reply me. I know he misses me too but there is nothing much he can do now. I just have to believe that time will tell and time will proof that our love will be strong even without words.
Today was a real emotional roller coaster . My pilot keep asking if I am OK to the extend I wanted to shout at him but I did not. He meant well. I suddenly felt like sharing and told him what I am going through , burst out crying. It could be the lack of sleep and the busy flight and it just hit me.
When I arrived at the hotel, tons of messages from my family about the saga between my mum and my brother. My mum wanting to commit suicide and my brother could not stand my mum anymore and so on. I started to hate this life I have now. It's like all this lifetime of practise is suddenly being tested through this time this moment. At times like this I wish I could run to my Bi and share it all to him. He is nowhere to be found today. I am not even sure what is happening. Since I had decided to give him a break for a few days , I should not text him. I should be strong and face this issue on my own. He has enough on his plate at the moment to be worrying bout my family saga. As for saga, for once in 20 years I will wash my hands off and let them handle it on their own. It's time they sort out their own mess rather than me keep assisting them to solve their issue.
After 1 hour of chanting , a lunch and a nap , I felt much better and calm. Another day another challenge to strengthen myself. This journey is not easy, full of pot holes, probably I might be bruised badly or even bleed but I had chosen to continue and I shall need to continue bravely. I know when I look back in future I definitely will have no regrets .
No comments:
Post a Comment