Sunny yet Cloudy

Good Friday. What is so good about Friday? Some people viewed it as the end of a work week and look forward to the weekend, some viewed it as just another day in their life, some people dread the weekend of not able to work and needing to find something to do. Different people view something good differently. How can we human with such brilliant and complex mind think alike? It is through a lot of dialogue, effort and understanding for 2 peoples to come to a common goal and direction.

Sunny day is a beautiful day for some people who are going to the beach, but for some people who need to work under the hot sunny weather is not a such beautiful day at all. Some of us who feels lousy would find that no matter how sunny and bright the sky is forever cloudy. As for me, I woke up feeling hopeful today. Not to sure if hopeful that I am feeling better or hopeful that I am meeting a few people today or hopeful that I know I will get better each day in my life.

Sheryl assured me that I was not having any mild depression or anxiety but just madly in love and expected more out of it when the honeymoon moments suddenly turn too quiet. I also need to stop taking up all the responsibility/issue that occurs in my family on my own. Let them deal with it on their own. I am still digesting all the scenario that is surrounding me lately. I am just in love and still in love. What is love? Love is about giving and letting go or love is about believing in it. I get confused so many times in my life that I could not even decide which is which. I am open to all encouragement and digesting it slowly but at the same time , I am taking things slow in my life. Eating slowly, typing slowly, feel my breathing, even bought myself a bouquet of lilies and forget me not. Nature although not the whole plant but just flowers, does assist to lift up ones spirit. Most importantly is to love myself.

I might have run out of stuff to share today. It seems these few days of sharing had in effect managed to clear up my mind and hopefully life up the heavy weight in my chest. It has been difficult to breathe at times for the last few week. Today I feel much much better. Need to get my endorphin level up. Managed to finish the whole bowl of prawn noodles which was a good start. Need all the energy to start my run again this week. 

Mystic Law works in the most mysterious way

The power of daimoku and chanting is similar to the action of accumulating good fortune in a tank. When you need it, it will be there for one's disposal.

I would never had imagined the insight and benefit gained from today's duty at SPC. I was still contemplating/doubtful if I am able to perform today's duty as main IC for the Pre training study for M&D at SPC. It was as if the 1 hour daimoku I performed today had called out all the shoten zenjin into my life.

Li Ping text to check on me before I went out for the duty. She encouraged me to seek the guidance from a WD on the issue I was facing. I am not even sure what was it that I am facing. Therefore I would not be able to chant for the answer. Seeking guidance would enable WD to share with me the best way to chant and focus for the answer.

Shan lifted my spirit before the duty commence when she informed me that I was the one that inspired her to be joyful and vibrant from the last Gohonzon Confernment duty we had performed together. I was even more surprised to meet an old friend from NDP 2012 today. Angeline Ho saw that I lost so much weight and asked about me. I shared briefly that I am going through some personal struggles and probably a mild depression. She shared that she had went rock bottom depression right after NDP 2012 when she was 39 years old. Her depression was so severe that she could not even do anything, not even chanting. She shared a bit insight about people like us, bubbly, high spirited, almost perfectionist, efficient, former FA and so on. The depression just hit her from nowhere without notice or symptoms. She was diagnosed by psychiatrist that it was due to the lack of endorphine in the person. We could not chat too long as I was on duty. We agree to come out and talk about it. It was as if I had meant to be there today to meet her again. She is glad that I am still holding on and able to go on with my daily life although there are symptoms similar to her.

I realised I might have anxiety issue in my life as I tend to talk fast, walk fast, work fast and even typing with 4 fingers I am  so fast that people tend to comment what happens when I type with 10 fingers lol...Even my boss commented that the way I work is so efficient and fast lol...I think I really need to slow down in my life and take a breather

At least I am kinda relief that I know it is not entirely about my family coz I nearly wanted to load the whole chunk of my misery to them which I find it very very unfair to them. I nearly said something quite nasty to my baby sister. I retracted and shared I just don't want to discuss about it. At least I am feeling better than I was in the afternoon.  Let's hope tomorrow will be another calm day for me.

Once like, once love, once lost, once angry...now just looking for peace

As I sat down at Mc cafe waiting for Sam, it dawn on me that time really passes very fast . I still could recall the 1st time I met him on board a flight . Can't recall which flight.  I probably should ask him later. He mentioned Sydney onboard the Jumbo. He was the GS in the galley, when he came back from collecting our meals at biz class,  he took out a plum from his pocket and gave me a surprise.  I was elated lol...with just a plum. To think back I was pretty silly and so easily duped by small gesture. Subsequently we exchange our contact number. I suspected he was either an insurance agent or multi level marketer, trying to sell me a policy or trying to recruit me...lol... I was spot on right, he is an insurance agent and a charming one. He is still one up till today.

We did went out for a drink followed by a walk by the beach barefooted. He did something no one had done to me. He sat me at his car, took out the tissue and wipe the sand off my feet . I was trapped . I know a lot of people would say that I am such a easy girl to please but I don't care what others say. I was happy , elated and felt so pampered for that moment . Until he told me in the car that he is married but having issues in the marriage. He was the first married person I went on a date...fast forward we were not officially together but we were close companion till the day his wife decided to leave him for another person. He was not ready for a new relationship whereas I had waited for 3 years. Back then, I was young in my late 20s and wanted to belong to someone and wanted to be loved. I guess it was the wrong timing or we are just not meant to be together. It did turn kinda sour coz we are related by the agent and client relationship which at times can be a bit cloudy and confuses me. I was not sure if at times he really care for me or out of obligation that he was my agent. There were good times and there were bad times.

Eventually we arrive to this day being friend. I am not sure how we came along but I guess both of us had gone through enough in life to forgive, forget and move on with our life. Both of us are glad that the issue with the investment did not make us into enemy. Reflecting back on myself, I was part to be blame because I get 'jumpy' and emotional easily when my investment did not make any money but keep losing. I should had been more sensible and mature to separate both issue. It's part of the lesson learnt.

I am still trying to figure out what is going through my mind, my emotions for the past few weeks. I had been having a few ups and many downs. I know deep down it is a choice to be happy or not to be. I am not even sure if it is related to my own insecurities of probable being an incomplete women/female (due to some health issue I am encountering), me still taking up all the family issues and worries unto myself, new relationship? I don't want to just sweep in under the carpet and try to be happy and continue to chant to transform my KARMA. Even chanting to transform my KARMA needs action. Just like a sick person who is going through a 2nd stage of cancer, she needs the emotional support through chanting but she will also need to take action through her chanting to treat her illness. She needs to see the doctor, take the medication and go through the painful treatment. Same goes for me, ACTION ACTION. I need to figure it out...its not something that can be overcome in a day or 2. It needs time and I will give it time. This does not mean that I will just stay home and be sad and sulk. I will remind myself to lead my life as best as possible and most important thing is to LOVE myself everyday, every hour, every minute and every seconds....hmmmm probably seconds is a bit too much. STAY Strong the inner me...

Me before U

Decided to watch a movie to clear my mind. Suddenly recall there was a love story "me before you " playing in cinema now. 

How random can it be that I picked a seat away from people and yet someone managed to sit beside me in an almost empty cinema? I guess I was not meant to be crying alone today, if the movie tend to be overwhelming later. Noticed quite a number of single ladies watching this movie alone.

It makes me ponder if they are like me . Looking for an escape in the mind or just it's their usual afternoon get away from work ?

The movie was not as pathetic and sad as I expected. Needed an avenue to release, to cry out loud but there were not many scenes that could make me cry out loud. I had been having difficulties crying out for the past few years. I could not recall any situation in these few years that I really cry out LOUD! Not even when Jeremy lied and cheated on me. Trust me, I tried to cry but the tears just would not come out. Am I turning into this cold hard person that I could not even empathise on myself.  I did cry out once in the toilet of my aircraft. I shall keep that story when related incidents occurs. I only managed to force out a few tears here and there but overall its a story of letting go if you really LoVE someone. Loving someone is not about possessing him/her if it could not make that person happy.

I am still not convinced that I am entirely OK but writing it out really helps me to clear my mind daily. At least it is no longer running through my mind. I went on to read about the symptoms of depression. Just wanted to know if the situation I am facing currently is part of being depressed. It does not seems like I am in depression. The closest I could relate is mild depression due to hormonal changes (which is what I am experiencing now). It is not as serious I would think it to be but at least I am alright. Exercise helps and I should go for a run.

In a blink of eye

    Time passes very fast daily . Every seconds ticks away so fast that at times nobody knows it had just past us. I guess that is how the phrase " in a blink of eye " came about.  It suddenly down on me that if I do not start now in a blink of eye I will be in my 50s. I m not 40 yet but I will be soon. I am not sure if this is the mid life crisis I am going through currently. I guess it's good to start writing about it. At least when I look back again I will know what I had missed,  what I had cherished and what I had overcome in life.

Life in 30s is amazing and full of surprises.  It does not mean that life after 39 is less, in fact it is how one perceive it, that makes the difference about it . Hence, this is the main reason I had decided to start writing about life towards the 40s.

This morning when I was in the bus on the way to Changi airport, I looked around me. All of the passengers seem like going through the routine of daily life , to work . I was different from the rest. I was just looking for ways and means to maximise my 'time' . To fill up the emptiness in my life. As I looked at the clock on ez link card counting, it dawn on me that every seconds passes by so fast. It took me exactly 10 minutes 38 seconds to board the bus and alight at terminal 3 basement with 2 stops along ECP and 1 security check. What was really running through my mind at that time ? I could not recall or probably it was totally blank. 10 minutes just passes by "in a blink of an eye" .

I met everyone at Mc Donald's and it seems like just another day in each others life but to David's family. It marks the end of their 5 years experience in Singapore and a new beginning in Brisbane.  I used to dislike departure and it reminds me of a feeling I used to have when I was little.

My aunt and hubby used to visit us during school holidays in Klang. We were still staying at the rented house in Klang Jaya.   Every time after they visited us for a week, I would be depressed and my mind would wonder the possibility of us being fated to be in the same family or relationship in our next life. It feels as if I am dying soon and will not be able to see them again on this life. I probably started using my brain way too early in my childhood or was I yearning for something out of this life through others . I am still figuring this out.

Life is constantly full of changes whether we like it or want it or refuse it.  Its like the cloud up in the sky, it will not stay at one place at a time. It is constantly moving whichever direction of the wind.  I am beginning to grasp this theory although it had taken me almost almost 40 years . Precisely 38 years and 8 months.

Michelle say it's a good way to express my feelings. Many people wants to start writing but do not have the luxury to do so. It's really a good way to express one's thought without burdening another party. Even I myself  had enough of myself whining to F. It's time I stop it. Sharing and talking about stuff is totally different than whining. Whining can be tiring for both parties.  How did this emptiness creeps in my life ?

I am still trying to analyse this feeling I am having now.  I chanted for Mr.Right. F came along. Told him that , he say even I am not sure and that's the reason I am sharing with him. I was probably asking for his acknowledgement that he is the one. I could have probably scare him off. That's the reason why he had not came over and see me yesterday and could not wait to leave after the nap. Yes it seems that he was rushing off.

It could be that I am going through my mid life crisis earlier than expected. Health challenges towards 40s, being single although I am considered dating him officially (define officially? We do not own each other, even if we were married in future),  uncertainty about my career in the next 5 years , mission and direction in the next 5 to 10 years. I keep telling people I need to have a breakthrough in shakubuku but part of me feels a bit lost. Not too sure if it's due to hormonal changes during my menstruation. At times I do wonder what would life be if I had taken a different path ? Would I be happy and contented ?