Letting go and the process of recovery takes time. When one is grieving of a loss , it also differs with each individual. As for his case he had shut me out totally from his life. Does this mean that it's the end of us ? Part of me dread the worst and part of me still hoping that he will come back.
I am learning to let it go day by day. Last night after 2 hours of daimoku and plenty of Sensei's guidance , I managed to have a good sleep. Once I am awake , my mind is full of his image beside me on the bed. Smiling at me. I dread to wake up hoping that it's not really him beside me. Every morning is another day of struggle to overcome that feeling.
I finally decided to watch the movie "The notebook" . He had shared that this is the ultimate love romance movie of all time that I had to watch. I was hoping that the movie will enable me to cry out. Yes it did, it had provided me a form of release and at the same time brings back those wonderful memories of being with him. It also reminded me to learnt to let go if it's not mine. Part of it gave hope that he will be back once he is ready. The thing is people tend to say the working mind of a man and a women works in a different way. Men do not view love and relationship the way a women view it so weakly. I don't agree. I believe men and women view it all the same because we are human beings with emotion. The only difference will be the different way each individual deal with the love and heart break. Noah and Allie both dealt with it differently. Both of them was heartbroken once so bad that life was miserable . Allie cried daily to sleep, Noah worked and try to live by each day writing to Allie for a year. In the end they learnt to move on although deep down in them they know there is no closure yet.
I need a closure and I am still waiting for it. Without a closure it, I can't move on. When would that be ? I will just have to wait. Will it turn out unexpectedly ? I imagined it this morning, that after months of agony , he finally came out and we talked and he proposed and I say "yes" . It's such a silly imagination knowing that we don't even know each other that well other than the love that we had shared in the 2 months . I had promised myself to him. The whole of me belongs to him that I could not imagine I could give myself to another men again. Part of the sensible imagination also tells me that he suddenly realised it's all over and does not want to hurt me. Probably he felt that after all these years through so many relationships and Floopy's demise, that he still love his ex wife. It's just that they had taken the longer route to realise it. Whatever the outcome will be, I will just have to wait . In the meantime, I will need to continue to be patient and built my inner state to be strong. To be able to withstand whatever outcome of this relationship. Some would not agree with my action to let him decide and not make my own decision, but I felt there is nothing I could do. I do not even have any information on what happened to make a decision other than the notion that I love him very much. I could just wait . In time to come, I know the answer will be there. The process will be hard and there will be good days and bad days . Just like Allie, days that she will recall Noah and days that she can't even recognize him but in the end there will be answer. I just have to wait for it.
I am learning to let it go day by day. Last night after 2 hours of daimoku and plenty of Sensei's guidance , I managed to have a good sleep. Once I am awake , my mind is full of his image beside me on the bed. Smiling at me. I dread to wake up hoping that it's not really him beside me. Every morning is another day of struggle to overcome that feeling.
I finally decided to watch the movie "The notebook" . He had shared that this is the ultimate love romance movie of all time that I had to watch. I was hoping that the movie will enable me to cry out. Yes it did, it had provided me a form of release and at the same time brings back those wonderful memories of being with him. It also reminded me to learnt to let go if it's not mine. Part of it gave hope that he will be back once he is ready. The thing is people tend to say the working mind of a man and a women works in a different way. Men do not view love and relationship the way a women view it so weakly. I don't agree. I believe men and women view it all the same because we are human beings with emotion. The only difference will be the different way each individual deal with the love and heart break. Noah and Allie both dealt with it differently. Both of them was heartbroken once so bad that life was miserable . Allie cried daily to sleep, Noah worked and try to live by each day writing to Allie for a year. In the end they learnt to move on although deep down in them they know there is no closure yet.
I need a closure and I am still waiting for it. Without a closure it, I can't move on. When would that be ? I will just have to wait. Will it turn out unexpectedly ? I imagined it this morning, that after months of agony , he finally came out and we talked and he proposed and I say "yes" . It's such a silly imagination knowing that we don't even know each other that well other than the love that we had shared in the 2 months . I had promised myself to him. The whole of me belongs to him that I could not imagine I could give myself to another men again. Part of the sensible imagination also tells me that he suddenly realised it's all over and does not want to hurt me. Probably he felt that after all these years through so many relationships and Floopy's demise, that he still love his ex wife. It's just that they had taken the longer route to realise it. Whatever the outcome will be, I will just have to wait . In the meantime, I will need to continue to be patient and built my inner state to be strong. To be able to withstand whatever outcome of this relationship. Some would not agree with my action to let him decide and not make my own decision, but I felt there is nothing I could do. I do not even have any information on what happened to make a decision other than the notion that I love him very much. I could just wait . In time to come, I know the answer will be there. The process will be hard and there will be good days and bad days . Just like Allie, days that she will recall Noah and days that she can't even recognize him but in the end there will be answer. I just have to wait for it.
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