Stop my silly ACT now

I had decided to share again. I hope it helps me to move on and let the time passes faster since everyone says that "time will heal "... I had written to him on Monday 12th of September. It was supposed to mark out 4th month anniversary of being together.  How silly of me? Who would have celebrated such event monthly but I was counting the days since we had been together.  I think I probably jinx it by counting down.  I had written to ask for clarification and at the same time kinda vent my sorrow, it had not turn out well. I beelieve I played a role in igniting the animality and devil in him. His reply was very hurtful and mean as if it was piercing through my heart. I was very hurt. It took me a day or 2 to get my mind clear. Luckiky it was F1 week and I was kept busy throughout the event. I did not jad much time to think or react as i had been kept busy helping out and at the same time sorting out my own work stuff plus meeting up my friends from Malaysia and catching up with my sleep.

I was even invited to Paddock Club by my best friend Lisa. It was an interesting experience and on other occasion I would be ecstatic but this time just another day to fatten myself and get drunk. As i shared beforehand, I do not drink and eat in fact  I would starve myself when I am down and sad. So its a good opportunity and excuse to do the opposite. I made another silly stupid act of sending a very very pathetic sms to him. This has really got to stop. I am beginning to hate myself for acting like this. I need to restrain myself and stop harassing him. I really felt that I an harrasing him since he never reply me at all. 

This is the final truth 💔

How should I put this? It's finally over. The end. I had hold on the belief of what he had shared all along, choosing to believe in him even though there were signs and stuff he shared that were misleading...this time I really saw it with my own eyes. This is how the story goes...

I was out with Bruno for dinner and we walked through Isetan at Shaw Centre. I saw him, passed by me close enough, holding hands with his ex-wife like a couple . He did not acknowledge me at all. I ran towards the mall, by then they were not holding hands, probably he realised that I will run to them.  I called out his name. Both of them turn back. He looked shocked but pretended to be cool. "You are here having dinner with Bruno" I stared at him and walked off. I was shocked and not sure what to say to him. How could he be so calm after realising that I found out ?

Bruno advised not to text or do anything.  After an hour the text came.  "He was there with his ex-wife to collect a report from the Asia Medic where his cancer was first diagnosed. "He did not explain much . I was still furious and send him a message cursing him on the holding hands.  After a few exchanges he insist to come to meet me immediately to talk. He insisted that both (he and his ex) has a very long history of close relationship that at times he could not even explain and it's no big deal they were holding hands ....wtf??? He asked me to calm down and think of what he had shared and done in the past few months. I was furious and called P (his friend that I was supposed to meet for coffee tomorrow) and asked if she knows anything bout his marriage.  She shared that he told her his wife had passed on 6 years ago due to lung cancer and he had not dated anyone since then. I was shocked and she was too when I say I bumped into him and his ex-wife and I am currently dating him. He found out that I asked P and created this drama. He blamed me that I caused the fall out of friendship between he and P. He even try to justify his actions  at Isetan and insisted that he already told me bout his illness and there is no future between me and him.  The stuff he told me when we were at the beach for the talk sounded so different from what he used to share with me in the beginning of our relationship. I know then that that night at the beach is the end and it's really over between us. He even warned me that he knows this day will arrive whereby I will lose the patience on walking the path with him. He kinda blamed me for what and how it ended, kinda insisted it's really me causing all the drama.

We walked back and he refused to hold my hands.  That is the 1st time that I had walked behind him and looking at his back. I really felt alone then. He even refused to hold my hands in the car for the last time when I requested...he did give in when we are nearing to the house.  I was crying inside knowing it's ending and walked out of the car. I am suddenly tired but at the same time still feel that I should not blame him since he is going through this sickness. I even wish him all the best and to continue to fight on and I will continue to send my prayers to him...

Not until I met P today for coffee that I discovered a whole new story that he had been hanging out with her 3 times in the past months , out drinking and dining (not according to him that he had not been eating much n losing weight, although he does not look like it), been chatty and energetic and does not look sick at all  (although he constantly say he is tired and resting at home beside working and volunteering),  shared that he had started volunteers 2 times on weekdays n once on weekends since his wife passed on lung cancer 6 years ago, lots and lots of other stuff...I really could not believe what I hear. I had been so foolish believing in all his words and even there were times signs showing doubts, to never doubt if one had choosen the path of loving and walking the path of sickness with him.

Recalling all the stuff he shared previously bout he once told me that he was in the hospital on Sunday for scan (possible) , stuck in clinic at 5 pm on Sunday for doctors appointment, shared in early August that he had the worst cancer lung, brain and pancreatic, shared later in early September that he had cancer all over lung ,lymph nodes and glands but luckily not in any organs or brain (according to my gf going through relapse in cancer that one do not forget ownself diagnosis and oncologist do not diagnose wrongly too) the list goes on, it seems the lies is never ending.  I had really been blinded choosing to believe it all.

I am really tired and now I am relief to see the truth in him. Part of me still want to think he has cancer but part of me is tired with his ongoing lies. This is the story of me and Freddy ...the lies and foolishness I had put myself into.

Gloomy weather for me and my bi❤

I am now seated on a red long comfy sofa in the living room of my dearest friend Lai Wah. She had cancer relapsed few months back and last week doctor advised to go for chemotherapy on Wednesday.  I am here to accompany her and stay over tonight to monitor her situation. I cooked her a healthy meal today

Since my bi had insisted that I should not send any food to him... I need to cook away all the organic stuff I bought for him in the fridge 😟 so I am cooking for Lai Wah.

The last few days had been a lil awkward for me to communicate with him. I felt so distance from him. I am not sure why I felt this way. Although he had shared to not think bout the issue that happened on Tuesday but I felt I kinda lost him in my life again.  I fear that he had finally decided to cut me out totally. Although he did reply  on both mornings after that incident.  Lai wah asked me earlier to think if I care for him or I ❤him. I shared I ❤him coz it ache me that he can't be there to share my joy or sorrow daily, could not accompany me to outings, spend time with me...I miss him a lot too...I yearn for his touch and his kisses...of course I did not tell her all that above.  Too much details to be shared bout my personal life. Yes, I ❤him.  If I care for him only I would not feel this way if he did not reply or if we did not meet. I am bit worried now coz he had not responded to any of my messages since this morning.  Now he had turned of his data or hp. I hope he is just resting, he had shared that this week is bad for him. He had feel worst and it might be unbearable too since he shared he feels he is getting weaker and weaker. I will just have to wait patiently and probably start to chant that all will go smoothly on his side if he is in hospital today. Please stay strong and fight bi❤

I went berserk 😓😢

I finally vent out my frustration at my "bi" . I regretted it. Totally regretted it and felt so bad about it. He is going through life and death and here I am being a selfish and emotional bitch venting out my loneliness and emotional stress on him. The last thing I wanted is to make him feel bad about himself not able to make me happy and be the wonderful boyfriend, lover and partner to me. I really screw up everything this time.

How it started ? He was not well yesterday and I decided to cook something and go to his place to have lunch with him. When I arrive, I send him a message but there was not reply . So I waited at the lounge at the condo and just waste my time reading through the creative life magazine.  After waiting for 2 hours and kinda hungry, so I send his food up to his place and came down to the BBQ area and had my lunch before I leave the condo. I think he was sleeping or if not probably out working whichever, so I did not want to disturb him until he reply.  I left slightly after 3 pm to run my aircraft errands . When I got home at 5pm there was a reply from him that he was upset at me and kinda shared that I do not understand that how my action of delivering food made him feel. I felt really  really bad and sad. I had not intended to go and drop of the food like last time.  He forbid me coz it was too far and too troublesome for me.  This time I had really wanted to go and have lunch together with him😭😢.  I send him a needs age to explain and when he did not respond I kinda felt frustrated that he ignore my messages and send a kinda pathetic frustrated explanation 😧I am really tired of waiting . He did not reply.

I stopped myself from causing further strain in our relationship. I went to kneel in front of Gohonzon to calm myself. Let him have a rest.

This morning I send him a text. He replied to not think too much and have a good flight.  I am not even sure what that means. Could it be that he is asking me to love on and not think ? I am still sending him updates on me. I am not sure what he is thinking and it is kinda making me afraid that he will make a drastic move to cut me out to end my misery . I am not sure what else to do but to wait for him. Well after all, he is the one going through the illness. He deserves to have a break more than me. I should have just be more patient with him if I truly love him. 

Time of the month mood swing and probably he is too...

Today is not a good day for my "bi". It seems the hectic weekend schedule for him had probably taken a toll on his health/body. I kinda sensed it since yesterday morning when his responses is low. It seems that when he is not well during his treatment period he tend to be very very quiet and low in responses. He had shared a headache yesterday evening and this morning that he is not well. I kinda know that when he is going through this bad period he will refuse to see me at all, as he once said that he does not not want me to see him in a foul, angry , fatigue mood. But....I had chosen to be here at his condo. I had brought him food despite him constantly telling me not to do so. I know he will probably be annoyed but I just want to do it since he can't come over to my place to eat it. Well...he did say that he wanted to come and eat the healthy organic food I prepared daily if possible.  So here I am at his place but I think he is asleep as he had not responded to my messages.  I will just wait as I do not want to wake him from his sleep/rest. It's my easy or him to fall in deep sleep due to the pain he is going through at this moment.

I did had some frustration  yesterday when his responses was low and even drafted something to him. This is what I felt yesterday night

("Bi I will stay away for a few days . I feel that I am not needed in your life and redundant at this moment.  I am a bit on the down side probably coz I feel that you can't put me in your priority now and unlike my own willingness to put you on no. 1 in my life. The reason I feel this way coz it seems that the more I try, the harder I try the lesser you reciprocate. Most of my messages are being read n not replied or responded at all. Most times I felt that I m talking to myself or a wall . I feel so pathetic at times like this.  Although I know you are probably resting or talking to your mum, but I am just guessing.  Am I updating you too frequently bout me that you are feeling so assured that you feel you do not need to reply or share with me your daily updates ? I just feel very very lonely in this relationship. Do we still have a relationship or I am just a person that you will meet when you can slot me in or when u feel lonely? Even when you are still awake/online but you did not respond  to me. I have to wait and wait for your reply. Do you know I hate the waiting game? I am trying to make excuses for you by thinking probably you are having one of those emotional turmoil battle running through you again. Making excuses to make myself feel good and not feel like an outsider or just somebody in your life ... I really felt very silly stupid to keep knocking my head to the wall. U insisted that I should not bring food to your place but you will come over but you never came at all. You say you rather come daily to eat the healthy organic food I will prepare but you never have the time. Please don't say you will do this and that until you do it. Do you realise that you had shared a lot of things that you will but you had not done most of it and it keeps me hanging and hoping that you will? Again it's me on my part silly and hanging on to it. There are days I am not sure if I am angry at you. So angry that I think I might hate you for not making me happy coz you can. You say you are helping people and it makes you happier , why not help to make me happy too... sometimes we tend to neglect the one closest to us without realising it .")

This morning I felt better after chanting and preparing his healthy organic lunch. Just one of the days in my mood swing 

May I have my "bi" back fully in my life please?

It has been days since I shared on the status of my life. My "bi " had indeed appeared back into my life but not fully back. Why? Coz he had somehow agree to continue to see me and "hang out" with me but he insist that he will not and does not have the right to provide me the commitment in a relationship to me. I do wonder what he meant by this ? He keep insisting he does not want to hurt me, he felt wrong to allow me to come back into his life, if not coz of this illness he will not push me away ... there is a part of the negative side that feels that he just does not want to commit in this relationship coz I am probably not the one.

At the same time there are days he seems like his usual self in responding to my messages but there are days he just read but never reply my messages ... I know inside me I wanted more than what we are currently having but part of me fear of asking more that he will retreat again. At times I do wonder why am I putting myself in this situation allowing myself to be in such a disadvantage position and always succumbing to his will, always abiding by his way so I would not upset him and always worrying that my action will disturb or annoy him. I worry too much. I just need to stop worrying and just go on with my life on days that he is not responding to me. When I do miss him, the only way to cure this is chanting or looking back at all the pictures we had together. He even refused to add me back to his Facebook coz I deleted it and he view that I would do it again out of anger.

I was very certain before he appeared the direction I want to pursue for his health and happiness but now it seems I had to rethink what I should do or what I can do.... there are things I promised him I will not do it although I still want to do it e.g delivering food to him now coz I am not allowed, he does not want me to travel all the way to do it and I did promised him I will not... I am going back for my singing class today. Hopefully the class today will inspired me to my direction and path.

Finally decided to use my new S7 and cut my hair last week. Here's the preview of the camera...