His thought on us...

After a few days of non-stop conversation  through WhatsApp with my bi, he finally shared that he will not ,cannot and , has no right to give me any commitment. His answer has provided me a understanding but at the same time I was quite sadden knowing that he still does not want me to be fully involved in his life at this moment . It had taken him 2 months and me lots of patience and "soup" before he decides to finally see me. I don't want to lose him again hence I don't want to force him in giving me any answer or commitment at this moment. I will wait as what I had shared to him earlier, waiting for him patiently and providing as much care and time whenever he allows me to do so. I nearly teared when I received his sharing/message earlier but I am glad he shared.

I am still waiting for our first night together but for now he is not ready to give me that as he does not want me to be there if he gets emotional with his condition/pain.  I know he will be one day . I just have to wait patiently for him to be ready . I just want to be able to wake up beside him watching him sleep soundly and peacefully beside me. Today will be one of those days where by I will be disappointed but this feeling will eventually make me stronger too. It is just one of this days for me.

"Bi please understand that I am doing all this coz I really love you and nothing else. I just want to be with you as long as you are still breathing. Please rest assure I will continue to live a fulfilling life as I belive that's what you want me to do. I love you from the day we started and I will continue to love you as long as you are alive and even after you are gone. Rest assured I will be strong and continue living my life to the fullest knowing that you love me till the day you are gone. Love you always bi ❤

Turn of event

I am suddenly lost at words on what to write or express at this moment. The intense feeling of venting out is suddenly gone. It is bring replaced by the sense of calmness. Does this mean that I am going through the transformation of fundamental darkness to enlightenment? It is due to my own chanting and determination on kosenrufu or coz my "bi" had finally agreed to allow me to be there and open up to share with me. If it's the second reason then I might fall into my own fundamental darkness if my "bi" should ever choose to go back to his own silent world again. Since I am unable to find the answer, the best way is to continue what I do now, chanting to complete my 1 million daimoku, mission in kosenrufu to share Buddhism to as many people as possible and assisting them to find their own path towards absolute happiness, to continue to be strong for my "bi" emotionally and nourishing him 😊. I believe I will have the answer one day...

My bi had chosen the path to continue fighting and at the same time to help as many people as possible while he is alive.  I love him a lot and his selfless act had made me love him even more now. I will be there to assist him in his mission...

I has decided to cancel my trip to Paris end of September partly coz a few things had suddenly turn up. Lai Wah needs to go for chemotherapy next week and she will need someone to be there for her since Keng Keng is not in Singapore. She had asked and I want to be there for her coz she had been there for me. So I can't go back to Malaysia to see my family.  I will just have to go back after F1 is over. At the same time I had made a vow to contribute the whole month salary for this  year "Gokayu " and I would like to fulfill it. I will need to change the heater at home and just paid the contractor for my mum's minor renovation. I am going to upgrade and buy a new hospitalizations policy for mum which will cost me almost 3k. There is also possibility of investing in Espresso lab. It will kinda put my budget a bit tight to spend in Paris . Lastly there is a possibility my "bi" might be able to travel during year end and I would like to go with him so I have to save up my leave for that. Paris and Bordeaux will just have to wait for awhile then...

I think the excuses above are just excuses coz I just want to be in Singapore for my "bi " now that he allows me to do so😊

Soup for my bi...

It has been a week since I had sort of upset my bi. I was in Africa for a week. Travelling around on duty and keeping busy had made me think of my bi not responding to me lesser. I still have him in my thoughts daily. Everyday after a hard and tough day, I thought of sharing to him but it will made me look like whining so u decided not  to do so. It also reminded me of my tough days when I was doing my US trip and my bi had promised that he will 'sayang' me when I am back in Singapore. I just had to be tougher this time.

I had written to him and send him a few photos of my travel in Africa. He had not responded to any of my message but I know he had read it. I had even shared that I was elated when I found out from one of my guest that my boss speaks highly of me when I was not around and to continue to surprise my boss daily...lolz...it had really made my day and I had shared this happy news with my bi.

Jeremy was very persistent in sending WhatsApp to me throughout my Africa trip asking if he should come over and accompany me after my trip. I had allowed him to do so trying to figure if I can get over my bi by seeing some other people. I could not. He tried to hug me. I don't feel a single thing. He tried to kiss me and I don't even feel like responding to his kiss. All the time when we talk, I could just think of my bi beside me. I even shared that I still love my bi although my bi choose not to see me when Jeremy asked about my bi. I really want my bi only and no one else. We went for dinner and he even offered to accompany me to Paris if I agree to do so. I did not respond to him as I wanted to fulfil a mission on my own when I am I Paris in September.

I had delivered 'vampire slayer ' soup to my bi on Monday morning only to get a negative respond from him which really hurts me a lot. I did not know what to respond to him initially. This time I was not defeated. I choose to stand strong and support him as long as he is alive. I am quite glad that my bi had shared with me his condition from his last check up on last week, and his thoughts on a few things. For now I will be staying away form my bi for at least 1 week, kinda quarantine myself after Africa trip from my bi. I hope that he will want to meet me next week when I am back. I miss him a lot. Miss him every single days. I am planning to send him soup again later ...hopefully he will not reject it...

Am I ready to move on?

I had stopped writing for the past few days not knowing what to write anymore and not knowing if I am deciding to give up on my "bi". Too many times he had disappointed me when he had given me hope that we will meet up the day before. He had always given the same reason/excuse that he did not want anyone to see him in this situation when he is weak and emotionally unstable. I could not understand and did not know what else I could do anymore. I was suddenly very devastated that he 'probably' did have a change of heart already. A lot of wild thoughts had been coming into my mind especially when I saw the ladies sandal/slippers at his unit when I deliver his birthday dinner. I had contemplated to ask him when I meet him as I would like to see his reaction but that opportunity never came. I guess the encouragement of words and frequent words of exchanges last week had probably given me hope that he might finally want to meet up. That is the reason why I had fallen in despair on Saturday when he insisted he did not want to meet me again and I had been forcing the situation again. Another wild thoughts that came to my mind is, why is he at the clinic at 5 plus in the evening. Is he really sick or is he lying to me all these while? I really wanted to see for myself the truth.

I had gone to his condo on that Saturday evening and ring the bell of the unit. Nobody answered the door, or the person in it saw me and refuse to open the door. I was silly that I waited behind the staircase for him to be back. I waited and waited till 10 plus and move to the swimming pool area and waited for him to be back. I really felt stupid and silly but at the same time I need to find out the truth. He never appear even after midnight. I left and send him a message asking bout the ladies sandals/slippers and his outing with his friends in FB last Saturday to celebrate his birthday, informing him I will stay away for now till he is ready to meet me. He only read the message at 4 am on Sunday. He did not reply. I should take that as a sign that he is just no longer into me anymore RIGHT????? But I could not, I refuse to wake up or do anything on Sunday. I missed all my Soka activities. I was back to my despair self. I had lost my direction and purpose in life again. I was dead inside. Fortunately I had a flight on Monday, so I was left with no choice but to pull myself up and leave the house to get the final grocery and catering for the departure on Monday. That helped me a little to focus on other stuff than him. Talking to Uber and taxi drivers kinda made me feel better too. It seems that talking to strangers made me feel better as I did not need to explain how I feel today...

I did not send him any message at all on 14th August 2016 for once since 12th May 2016. I had never stopped sending him WhatsApp even on days he was MIA or when he refuse to let me in his life after he told me he found out he is sick. I arrived Harare today, tired partly due to me not able to sleep well the previous night. I am not sure why but I checked him on WhatsApp and he was online, I contemplated to send him a message, type and deleted type and deleted, he was still online after 5 minutes. I thought he was probably like me waiting for each other to see who will type first. When I finally send him a message I realised he was not waiting for me but he was online with someone else. It was then that I realise it was only my wishful thinking that he might still into me and thinking bout me. How silly could I be? Part of me was still thinking of sending him a soup when I am back from Africa and now even after reading my message he did not bother to reply. He just say that "I am NOT just another person in his life" "If he does not have this bloody illness he would not push me away" Now none of what he say meant anything when he could not be bothered to reply me. I wanted to cry out but I could not.

Loving someone means letting the person go and allowing him the happiness he deserve??? Can I let him go? Will I be able to let him live a happy and peaceful life? What if he is really sick? Those friends who had once supported me to hang on for him are beginning to advice me to let it go and move on. They could not bear to see me going through this daily, at times happy but at times devastated. They all feel that if he really care even though he is sick he would not do such things as neglecting me like now. He would be bothered and concern by how I feel even though he is sick...I choose to defend him so many times that I had run out of excuse and reason to do so...I am beginning to feel tired and constantly weak emotionally... Jeremy had been texting to check on me regularly that he even find time in the daytime to accompany , which in the past he would not have any for me at all...I had rejected him politely so far with excuses, I am not ready to spend time with him, I am away for flight, I am soka centre chanting, etc. Will I say yes the next time he text him although I know deep down I miss my 'bi' more than anyone in this world now? Will I just choose to take the comfort provided by Jeremy coz I am weak?

Celebrating his birthday from a distance

What happened yesterday on 11th August 2016? It is my "bi" birthday . As I shared previous day, I was at his condo waiting for him to be back to pass him the "birthday gift (chanting beads)", he assured me(I would not say promised ) that he will meet me yesterday at 930am at my place and asked me to go back and not wait for him I'm the middle of the night. I was still in bed at 930am yesterday morning,  too tired and probably I just refuse to wake up knowing that he might not come and see me. I was right bout him not coming to see me 😟. Although disappointed but I was not entirely upset.  I kinda predicted and partly I am too tired mentally to be upset . I just found out yesterday that one can even be too tired mentally to be angry or upset😀does that mean I don't care anymore ??? He shared that he did drive to my place but along the way he felt pressurised and decided to turn back coz he really does not want me to see him at his condition  of emotionally unstable, lethargic, fatigue and weak. I wonder why ? Did he think I will love him less? Did he think I will pity him ? I already told him numerous times that I care and not pity . Both are different. What did I do the whole day? Well, I was supposed to go to Orchard to get more grocery for the coming Africa trip.  So I decided to cook his birthday meal and send to him. I forgot to take a picture of it though. I need to be more diligent in taking photos especially since I just got myself a new Samsung S7 edge. No iPhone for me till today . Still refuse to get one . I nearly wanted to get one coz I want to face time my "bi" but since he refuse to even see me , what more talk bout face time (this phrase is very slang ). Back to his birthday meal. I was at his condo bout 330pm. Send him a message no reply.  I thought he was probably still sleeping at home. So I waited and waited, went up to his unit and wanted to leave the stuff at the door but I was not entirely 100% sure if I had remembered it correctly his unit number. So I waited till 5 plus when he reply.  Initially there was a debate, he ask to leave the stuff at the guard post, I wanted to leave at his door coz I tried the night before to leave the beads and they refuse to take it, he insist and will call security to keep coz cleaner might throw the stuff if I leave at his door. In the end, I just left the stuff at his door and leave . Don't want to argue or cause a commotion  at security post. One thing that still puzzled me is why are there so many pairs of slipper and a few female sandals outside his unit ? Is he staying with someone ? Is there a reason  why he had refused me to go to his place till now coz he is actually staying with someone ? Am I thinking too much ? It did not bother me yesterday but this morning it is kinda bugging me. Do I want to ask him ? I am not sure now.

Anyway I had a good meal with a glass of wine for diner yesterday and send him the photo

He replied that enjoyed the dinner I send him, appreciate my effort & it was one of the best birthday dinner he ever had . I was closed to tears of happiness. I am such a hopeless sucker and so easily contented 😀😄. Am I?  Although he send me an encouraging reply,  deep down I know it's not going to go back to our pre-cancer situation. He will still refuse to see me and only reply my message when he feels like it. Sometimes I wonder how long do I have to endure this ? How long can I be patient over this situation?  Will I give up on him one day ? Time will tell . 

Silliest thing I am doing for ❤or myself ???

I am doing something very silly today. Something that I had wanted to do from the beginning when all this happened but did not. Here I am nearby to his condo waiting for him to be back or he is already home and probably with his "family " . Anyway its his birthday on 11th August. I just wanted to pass him the chanting beads I bought for him and wish him "happy birthday " . I had asked earlier in the evening if I can come over after my soka meeting.  He had replied "It's OK don't have to. I will be with some family later " I am not sure if I am reading too much into "some family" that I felt it will be with Jenny's family.  So I asked but he never reply. If its true with them then they are all probably up in the condo celebrating his birthday. He never even read my last message if they are celebrating his birthday. Anyway I am kinda pissed off that he again chooses not to reply me . So wrote him a kinda upset message but this time no guilt on my side . Just wanted to share to him to be fair to me too. I decided to come over here and pass him his beads and go back home. I send him a message when I arrived but he has not seen his whatsapp since 930pm. I had been waiting here since 10 plus. I know it's silly but I just want to do it. I refuse to give up. I think I am stubborn and just want to win and do it my way. I am not sure what is the outcome tonight or this morning . It's already passed midnight and he had not seen the message . Will I be waiting here at the bus stop till morning ? I think if I do it will most probably be the silliest thing I had done for ❤in my whole life. There is no guarantee of the outcome too. He might be furious and pissed off that I am doing such crazy stuff . He probably thinks I am cuckoo and crazy too. Let it be let it be....

Singapore 51st National day

I was not motivated today to wake up for my Byakuren duty this morning , I was my own sansoshima. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. It seems like I am half hearted in my struggle for my "bi". I felt really bad. I felt I am tired. If I can feel tired with just fighting alongside him and not even fighting for my life, I believe my "bi" is even worst. No wonder he shared that he is still sad and angry at the whole situation.

Partly my fault for waking up late coz I stayed up late to watch "My Sassy Girl " US version. I did not even know the title of the movie till after I watched and Google it. I just saw on TV and he say something "this is the story how I fall in love and never stop loving her" I am not sure if this is coincidental but the song that I picked to learnt and record for my "bi" is from the same movie but the Chinese version. I did not even know the link between the song I picked till Lai Wah told me it's original is a Korean song from the a very popular Korean romance drama in 2001 "My Sassy Girl ". How ironic can it be???

I joined Lai Wah to watch the  Singapore National Day Parade as she had extra tickets . I had not been to one and don't mind the crowd just this once. It was an amazing experience and I truly enjoyed it. I feel so proud to be Singaporean when I am at the event. This is the 1st time the event was held at the new National Stadium. The whole performance was so interactive and it involved the audience as well. We will wear a watch which will project different colors of light whenever the centre stage perform. It was amazing and YWDS of SINGAPORE Soka Association performed a wonderful display. All along I keep sending photos and updates to my "bi" and hoping that it will encourage him to fight for us, to watch the NDP 2017 together next year ...it will be his birthday in the next 2 days. I hope he will agree to meet me on that day. I feel that I can only based it all on Daimoku for now. I suddenly feel like seeing him now...

Truth vs Lie

It had been an encouraging morning although not what I had wanted it to be.  My "bi" shared more bout his condition , treatment and health status . Although he still refuses to meet me today but I was not upset at all. I understand he might have his reason not wanting me to see him in his crappy condition with acne and rashes , side effect from the iressa and lost of weight. He is also very tired and sleeping pattern disrupted due to the pain he is going through. I can only send my daimoku to him.  I had even shared bout the possibility of recovery. Based on what I read online although he refuses to believe it . He requested for the website and I send him. Hopefully Mark could encourage him to fight on.

Later in the evening I suddenly felt like seeing him so I just looked into his Facebook page and saw that there was a gathering on 6th August last Saturday to celebrate his and 2 more of his close buddies birthday as well. I became suspicious . Hmm...he once told me Facebook is open to public and it all depends on how one or who post stuff up. If I choose to believe that he was very sick last week when I text him on Saturday,  the only conclusion  I could get from the photos are, he was out with them the week before he started Iressa coz I did check with Desmond and he say they met up on the 3rd week of July and my "bi" would still looks OK during that time . The photo was just posted weeks later. If that is the case, I would also conclude that it seems that none of his friends know that he is going through this cancer. The photo of "bi" seems to look OK and not sick at all, so none of his friends would suspect otherwise.

If I choose to believe that photo that he was out with them on 6th August, it means my "bi" had been lying all along and this cancer is his only way to get me out if his life coz I am such a vulnerable easily duped girl that would believe everything he says.  I was confused between the truth and the lie. I had wanted to go to his place after my pole dancing class.  During the whole class I enjoyed it so much that the Facebook photo did not really upset me anymore. I decided to just go back home. After performing the evening Gongyo,  I decided to choose to believe the version my "bi" tells me. I will just need to have faith that he is not lying to me at all. He is really going through the treatment to fight his lung , brain and pancreatic cancer . I choose to be there to support him in whichever way until the day he recovers . If all the above is a lie, at least nobody dies and worst case is I will never love again but at least my "bi" live ☺... that is all that matter to me now... I had chosen to believe him and whatever he say coz I believe he truly loves me and will never lie to me ...good night "bi"❤

Wonderful Sunday awaiting his reply

I woke up late this morning and missed the Sunday once a month Sensei's video. Nevertheless I still went for the Byakuren rehearsal at Senna.  It was an uplifting day to be able to spend the time with my Byakuren sisters .

Took a few shots in the morning to send to my bi🐷to wish him Good morning . I had a wonderful time at Lai Wah's birthday tea session, meeting her friends.

The food was amazing. I did not even need to have dinner after the sumptuous meal. They did open a nice bottle of Faiveley 1st Cru and VCP champagne for the afternoon tea. A very generous and hospitable host . 

When I was at Bedok NTUC to get some grocery odw back,  it was playing our song "Thinking out loud" . . I am not too sure if it's a sign to tell me to persevere, although I already kinda decided to go on and fight for my happiness with him. Although there are days I am lonely and quite down but I felt those days made me realised that I need to fight harder, have more patience , believe that our ❤will pull us through. There had been so many positive testimonial on Iressa on various support group that I believe he will live. I had chanted 2 hours hoping that he will let me know if he will be able to meet up tomorrow.  It's close to midnight and no reply from him although he had read all the messages I send him. There are days when I send my messages I have this fear that one day he will stop reading my messages or started to be annoyed by my messages or ignore me totally.  I am constantly checking if he is online to ensure he is OK.  I hope that one day soon I will be able to not have this fear. I am hopeful even if he is not able to meet tomorrow,  there will always be another tomorrow...coz I believe 😉

Busy day but it end well...

I am sitting in the car on the way to Halim Airport. I had noticed that "bi" usually will be quiet offline from morning till late afternoon 3 to 4pm. I am not sure what is going on in his life and his treatment.  It is worrying me but there is nothing I could do except send my prayers to him. There was an urge to contact Jenny just to see if she is taking care of him now. I don't mind anymore even to share him with someone else. I just want him to be taken care, love and supported during his 1st phase of treatment.  I really regretted now not asking him his exact address so I could at least send him.food him food when I am in Singapore.

I had been staying positive through chanting and hopefully this energy could be transfered him through WhatsApp.

It was quite a busy hectic crazy flight but I am glad all the pax was happy wit the bakmi goreng and ayam opor plus the cut nanas batu and Harum manis.  The pilots were amazing and they helped out with he dishes too...😀

The best of all after I land is my "bi" replied me😊. It made the hardwork today all worthwhile.  He is tired and in pain ,  but he say possibility of meeting on Monday.  That is enough to lift up my spirit knowing that he still wants to meet up. I am just chanting that he will be strong to go through this pain he is enduring daily. Hugs and ❤bi, stay strong knowing that I will always be here anytime u need me...

Continue to be strong for my "bi" ...

I did not want to wake up yesterday or this morning, or go to Seletar yesterday to get the work done. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. It was alright for the past few days.  I am worried that I might be going down towards the path of depression. I miss him a lot . It's really not easy not having him to acknowledge my support for him. Will I be able to hold on and be strong ? Will I be so weak that I will jump to Jeremy the next time he text me? Although knowing that my love is only towards my "bi" now. I feel so lonely yesterday night. At least I did not starve myself like previously.  I even juice to ensure I have the sufficient nutrients yesterday.

This morning my boss called to wake me up. He was my shoten zenjin today, he also made my day by not asking me to prepare any food for tomorrow's flight back to Singapore. I felt being taken care although the person I wish was my "bi". Anyway I was glad for the call boss, coz I still refuse to get out of bed after 930am. Going to work and meeting my colleagues and seeing them happy on board makes me feel better today. Bi has not responded bout the possibility of meeting me this Sunday or next week. I had been hopeful till now. I am just worried that he might not be feeling too well and did not want me to see him when he us weak. I had chanted 2 hours after dinner and hopefully my prayers will give him strength.

Budwig, is it a good idea???

An interesting encounter happened this morning , I board a taxi to Mt. E to accompany Lai Wah to see her doctor. The taxi driver happens to tall bout a cancer hospice whereby he volunteer, to cheer up the cancer patient. I shared to him bout my "bi" and he advised to ensure that my "bi" is happy coz happy hormone helps in fighting cancer. He also knows bout SSA and a few of the leaders in my district. What a coincidence ! It seems that I had shoten zenjin coming into my life daily to assist me to be strong for my "bi".

The experience to go in and meet Peter (Lai Wah's oncologist ) was another eye opening experience as well. It seems more like a chat rather than consultation. He was rather a charming person too😊. I shared with Lai Wah about the Budwig treatment and consulted her if it's a good idea to propose to my "bi". She heard about it but her doctor do not recommend it to her. Anyway she will read bout it and let me know what she thinks . I am still hopeful that it will work for my "bi" to cure him from cancer but at the same time I am worried coz in order to go for the treatment , one have to stop all medication/treatment.  I am worried if this will make it worst for my "bi". The more I read I feels that it us a detox and reset the body system to use one's own immune system to fight that tumor in the body,  to allow more oxygen as tumor can't survive in an oxygenated environment.  I need a direction  on this and the best way to approach is through Daimoku . I am on the way to Senja to chant b4 my class .

I was worried when I did not see him online until just now.  I hope he is stronger. He did not read my message yet. Not sure if I am annoying him already.  I send him a photo of me with morning wishes. I just need to have faith that all will work out well. At times I think I am in denial wishful thinking that we will get back together , although I did say it does not matter if we are together as long as he lives. Lai Wah reminded me again this morning to not expect anything coz it will be painful and difficult for him too. Am I being self centred and thinking of what I want again ?

 Jeremy had been very active in checking on my situation lately. Last week he type "I love you". I assumed he accidently typed wrongly. Then he asked to come and accompany me on the weekend.  I rejected. Today he implied that he wanted me to be his women. I wanted to have the comfort from someone but it's not him.  I feel nothing for him at this moment.  I just missed Freddy so much that all I can do is chant daily and go for classes to better myself, so when he sees me I can show it to him.

Just had a wonderful evening with Michelle and she fully support me wanting to fight for my happiness with Freddy.

what's in my thought?

I did not know what I should write yesterday,  I basically filled up my day with activities, from meeting Bruno for lunch to meet up my new chief pilot at Starbucks after lunch to my pole and strip tease class in the evening. I still could not get my mind off my "bi". I was quite worried that he shared that he was not well this week. I was wondering if he needed any assistance to do housework or get grocery . I know he does not want to burden me with all these chores so I could only offered my cleaning lady to assist or send him a few website whereby he could order organic grocery delivered to his place.  He did not come online till late evening at 4 plus. I was getting a bit worried if he had eaten . The only way to calm my worries is based my faith on Daimoku.  I had gone to SYC at Pasir Panjang to chant for 2 hours . I was tempted to take a taxi to his place to check if he is ok coz we are so close by but I managed to refrain myself from doing so. I know that he would not like it if I turn up. The moment I saw him online I was so relief.

Bruno had shared a talk he heard recently whereby it's a natural therapy to heal cancer rather than medical science . I read the articles yesterday night when I could not sleep. The Budwig centre in Malaga. It seems hopeful and there was a testimonial about a stage 4 lung cancer patient that was cured using the method. It was 13 years ago n he is still alive.  I need to get more information before I could propose to my "bi". I don't want to give him false hope.  I pray that he would allow me to accompany him for the 2 weeks treatment in Malaga. I really want him to try it if this is the last resort and if there is even a slight chance or survival. I wrote to them and chant that they will reply me soon.

I am going to join the girls for lunch today at ION. I am keeping myself occupied daily although I am quite tired and rather stay at home.  I believe going out is good and it boost the positive energy around me .

I received a reply from Budwig centre an hour ago.  I am trying to digest the information send to me. It seems very hopeful.  I read the article from Bruno's email to undestand how all these works bout cancer feeding on sugar and anaerobic environment . I need to compile all articles and information and print out before I meet my "bi". I need lots of daimoku to have the wisdom to share and not throw all information just like that to him. This is a very delicate matter and one can get defensive over it. Let me complete my minimum 2 hours daimoku before I proceed. I need to focus on my vocal class now in order to record the song for him .

I just did my 2nd vocal class.  I could not believe when I hear myself sing.  I could sing the song.  It's not perfect yet but I could sing. I need to practise on my breathing , hold and push now to capture the correct tune. I really hope that this song will encourage him. He seems to be online more often today.  I hope that he is feeling better today. I miss him a lot.

Reading the information from Budwig Cancer Centre while finishing the bottle of wine from Saturday, digesting the information.  Worried what he would think if I propose this to him.  So many things running through my mind. I just want him to live and be alive . Will I be able to let him go n live his life if he live . I really love him a lot and miss him so much ....