I am not sure what was the deciding point to make the final decision. Love can be an illusion to get away from the awful boring mundane day to day life in one person. Could it be that I had chosen to fall into this trap on my own accord? I am definitely heartboken to the extent that I could not even do anything without effort. Even the thought of drinking needs to be pushed on my side. I wrote my final piece to him. Am I still expecting a reply from him ? Part of me yes. Deep down I know he will not. Who am I? I am only his less than 2 months fling in one of the summer. Summer love always ends up heartbroken. I believed that he was this caring and sensitive guy who would cherish the person he meet. I guess I was wrong about him. He once shared that it works the same way when a man make love to a women. It needs to involve the feelings and emotions too. I believed that we were connected each time we were together.
I can't go on thinking that he might come back anymore. I need to move on. What was the trigger point? The book, the daimoku, or my mum? I don't even know. I just want to get better. I don't want the people around me to see losing weight, sunken and sad. I want to be this bubbly, happy and cheerful sun of happiness to everyone I meet. Especially to my dearest mum. I want to be better for her coz she deserve to have a wonderful daughter after all those years of struggle.
As for F, will I be able to be his friend again? I dunno. I don't hate him but I can't face him now after all he had done to cause so much misery in me. I just have to cut him out. I know I will have the urge to contact him at times but I just have to stop it. I can't blame J for being there for him coz it's not her fault. If F does not want J to be there, nobody can stop him. It's obvious that I am the one on the outside in these relationship. Should I hate him? I wish I could but hating someone will not make me much happier too. I just need to move on and nurture myself body back to health too.
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