What's next after the crying game?

I shared earlier that the healing process just started, I am looking for avenue to release and avenue for comfort. I suddenly felt like logging into the Facebook page and browse through A, looked through his adventure in Ecuador. It makes me want to be there, to be carefree. I decided to send him a friend request. I am not betraying F by being A’s friend. I removed F from my list of friend. Why? Coz I could not bear to find out anymore outings he is having with J anymore.  Back to A. Somehow in his whole journey to explore Ecuador and learnt Spanish gave me a sense of comfort and freedom. A carefree way to let go of all responsibility and just leave. I wanted to leave just like him. Each photo of his adventure in Ecuador really represents his character described by F. Could it be that I wanted to be like A too? To be able to get away to nurse one’s heartbreak. He does not seem to be nursing a heartbreak based on the photos and adventure he shared in Facebook. It could be that the way F described A that I am just curious about him and wanting to find out if he is such a fun, happy go lucky person. F did describe the best of A whenever he talks about him.

I had gone through all my heartbreak immersing myself in work. Not even once, had I taken a break from my life, work or family to just be free and see the world. Yes, although part of my job requires me to travel extensively but, mine is work. I want to get away without looking at the time, schedule and responsibility. This time I should really take a break and just travel around the world. Can I do that? Do I have the courage to leave everything and just leave like that?

I was looking at myself again in the shower and weigh myself after that. I am freaking 49kgs now. It’s not good. I need to get back to my old weight. Although a lot of people would love to be in my size now, looking good in skinny jeans which I used to look alright but just a bit too curvy on the butt. Now I looked like a petite model in skinny jeans with tiny waist and small boobs. Yes my waist had gone back to 24 inches even without me doing anything. I am basically a walking cloth hangar when I put on my work uniform. I can even squeeze both my palm through my belt now. So trust me when I say I don’t look that stunning in any of my clothes unless those super tight ones, I meant it.  Even wearing those will make me look anorexic. I am not anorexic and never been one. I love food and I enjoy eating. Lately I had lost appetite in everything I see. I am basically eating for the sake of survival. I know I will be punished in my next life for saying this coz those children in Africa, India and poor countries are starving and I bet they wish they could trade places with me.  Every morning at the hotel lounge is a chore to down anything into me. I just eat when I see food to ensure I don’t get gastric pain. As long as there is something being process in the stomach, I am good.

I also had this thought that I wish I had terminal illness, in that way I will know that my life is short and I can start planning my demise. Life does not work out in the way we wanted. Probably I might get terminal illness, not now, probably when I am back to blissful life and when I finally meet another love that I will be struck by the mishap of it. This will be the punishment for not appreciating my life.

The regular immigration officer asked me, "You looked so happy to be back to Singapore!"

"Do I really look happy? "

"Yes, it seems that you had a wonderful trip."

"Sir, I wish I am really happy like what you said. I am actually very sad and miserable now."

"Why girl?"

"I am going through issue in my relationship and the only consolation I have is knowing my boss is happy with me when I am onboard. Silly right"

"Aiya don think too much. Your boss appreciate you."

Smile and bid him goodnight. Am I really better now? The crying game started. I wonder what is next in the healing process... I hope I don't turn angry and bitter...