Today is another struggle. I send him a song. Our song. The song that describe so much about how we started and how we are going to grow old together. Another blank response. I guess he would have sense by now that I am desperate and pathetic. Is this what people called retribution? I had once ignore certain person messages too. That was different coz I was really not interested. Now I know how it felt to be ignored. To be shut out totally by someone you love.
I tried to watch the TV to take my mind off him. Jamie's kitchen was showing cooking in Wales and it brought back memories of him promising to bring me there this summer to Ireland to drink our favourite Guinness. It seems that I can't get rid of him even while watching TV. Performed my morning Gongyo , tried to chant my 2 hours daimoku. After 20 minutes my mind was wandering away so much it felt guilty to be performing such half hearted daimoku. Stop...lie on the floor ...lie on the 2nd room...lie on the couch ...wake up wake up don't just waste your day. You must create victory everyday. I had the urge to call any of my friends over for sos but dread to share and allow them to analyse my situation when I could not even share what happened. I need food. I need my mum too. Counting down the hours she is arriving later. Too weak to even walk out to buy food . What nonsense!!! You are not paralysed or sick. Get your round small arse up and go get your body fill up !!! Let me lie here for a while please ...
I managed to forced myself to buy my lunch. After reading the "discussion on youth : what is love? " by Daisaku Ikeda and testimonial "The deepest lost " SGI. I would not say that it healed me totally but reading the article again gave me a different insight bout love and life today. At least it made me walk out and buy my lunch. Even though I only managed almost half portion , I am glad that I ate. I hate wasting food and throwing away edible food. I will keep it a while and eat it later if I can.
I tried to watch the TV to take my mind off him. Jamie's kitchen was showing cooking in Wales and it brought back memories of him promising to bring me there this summer to Ireland to drink our favourite Guinness. It seems that I can't get rid of him even while watching TV. Performed my morning Gongyo , tried to chant my 2 hours daimoku. After 20 minutes my mind was wandering away so much it felt guilty to be performing such half hearted daimoku. Stop...lie on the floor ...lie on the 2nd room...lie on the couch ...wake up wake up don't just waste your day. You must create victory everyday. I had the urge to call any of my friends over for sos but dread to share and allow them to analyse my situation when I could not even share what happened. I need food. I need my mum too. Counting down the hours she is arriving later. Too weak to even walk out to buy food . What nonsense!!! You are not paralysed or sick. Get your round small arse up and go get your body fill up !!! Let me lie here for a while please ...
I managed to forced myself to buy my lunch. After reading the "discussion on youth : what is love? " by Daisaku Ikeda and testimonial "The deepest lost " SGI. I would not say that it healed me totally but reading the article again gave me a different insight bout love and life today. At least it made me walk out and buy my lunch. Even though I only managed almost half portion , I am glad that I ate. I hate wasting food and throwing away edible food. I will keep it a while and eat it later if I can.
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