I woke up this morning a bit lost again . I know that when one is sick and takes medication , one is supposed to get better daily. This emotional sickness I am experiencing does not work in this way. There is no medication other than chanting daily to build my inner state to be solid and stronger, to view each day positively , to find a purpose in each day. I would say that this is probably similar to cancer. It's not curable but treatable. He is going through the battle for cancer whereby I am going through the battle of my inner state.
I am not sure if I am worried or afraid that he will start to find me annoying and hate me ? Does he read my message or just click on the message but ignore it ? I am not even sure. Am I trying to hard to make him feel better daily that it's overwhelming to him? I am weak today . Could it be the monthly cycle that is making me emotionally drained today ? At least I am forced to go out again. I am glad that I did force myself to sign up for vocal class. I would like to record a song for him on his birthday. In fact he had suggested that he will sing me a song of my choice when we were together. He wants to play the piano while he sing to me. I would like to fulfill this vow too for his sake. Hopefully he will like to song I picked.
I just text his best buddy to check if they had been in touch. He say they did. I am relief to know he had friend around but at the same time quite hurt that he refuse to see me but choose to meet his buddy. At least knowing that he is OK from D kinda relief me a little.
I just came out from my first vocal class. Unexpected turn out today too. I nearly lost my patience and was a bit annoyed that I could not find the location of the place. I felt that Dee (coach aka teacher) should have shared earlier bout the challenges to find his house rather than wait till I could not find it and only told me it's the wrong lrt stop . As I was walking looking for the block. I yearn to write to my "Bi" and shared with him my frustration. It seems that he comes to my mind when I am in sorrow and when I am in joy too. The whole process of going through the class and getting to know the coach makes me changed my mind later. I could connect with the coach and shared the reason behind me learning to sing. He understood and really wants me to improve to do a good recording for my "Bi". I actually feel great learning something new and knowing that I can sing too😊. I was approached by volunteers asking for donations to special Olympic, agreed to do it coz I need as much good benefits to pass to him. I just spoke sponsored an athlete for a year.
I had an emotional evening at TIM meeting earlier
It was something one of Sensei's message to youth that trigger me. I felt as if tonight the message was meant for me to fight the struggle I am going through my life now. He say to advance daily even though it's a "mm " as long as we advance and never retreat. My mind is blank after dialogue with Sharon and Sheila. A lot of mix emotion at the moment. I need to continue to chant for my 1 million daimoku cos I can't fail. The daimoku is for him to win and I need to win for him.
I am not sure if I am worried or afraid that he will start to find me annoying and hate me ? Does he read my message or just click on the message but ignore it ? I am not even sure. Am I trying to hard to make him feel better daily that it's overwhelming to him? I am weak today . Could it be the monthly cycle that is making me emotionally drained today ? At least I am forced to go out again. I am glad that I did force myself to sign up for vocal class. I would like to record a song for him on his birthday. In fact he had suggested that he will sing me a song of my choice when we were together. He wants to play the piano while he sing to me. I would like to fulfill this vow too for his sake. Hopefully he will like to song I picked.
I just text his best buddy to check if they had been in touch. He say they did. I am relief to know he had friend around but at the same time quite hurt that he refuse to see me but choose to meet his buddy. At least knowing that he is OK from D kinda relief me a little.
I just came out from my first vocal class. Unexpected turn out today too. I nearly lost my patience and was a bit annoyed that I could not find the location of the place. I felt that Dee (coach aka teacher) should have shared earlier bout the challenges to find his house rather than wait till I could not find it and only told me it's the wrong lrt stop . As I was walking looking for the block. I yearn to write to my "Bi" and shared with him my frustration. It seems that he comes to my mind when I am in sorrow and when I am in joy too. The whole process of going through the class and getting to know the coach makes me changed my mind later. I could connect with the coach and shared the reason behind me learning to sing. He understood and really wants me to improve to do a good recording for my "Bi". I actually feel great learning something new and knowing that I can sing too😊. I was approached by volunteers asking for donations to special Olympic, agreed to do it coz I need as much good benefits to pass to him. I just spoke sponsored an athlete for a year.
I had an emotional evening at TIM meeting earlier
It was something one of Sensei's message to youth that trigger me. I felt as if tonight the message was meant for me to fight the struggle I am going through my life now. He say to advance daily even though it's a "mm " as long as we advance and never retreat. My mind is blank after dialogue with Sharon and Sheila. A lot of mix emotion at the moment. I need to continue to chant for my 1 million daimoku cos I can't fail. The daimoku is for him to win and I need to win for him.
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