I am not sure which is worst. Not being able to see him or not receiving any reply from him . Either one its not making it easier for me. I believe it's not easy for him too. I am trying to be brave and strong , to share my daily strength with him and hoping that he understands that I will try to move on. I just hope that he will not cut me out totally. I still want to spend some time with him even as a friend. Of course , I can't expect hugs and kisses coz it will make things difficult and painful for him too. Is that the reason he is avoiding to reply to me? That he will not be able to resist not hugging and kissing me when he sees me?
Today, I had tried to lead my usual life before his arrival into my life. It has not been easy but so far it's been quite smooth. I went to Changi Hospital to get the prescription letter provided by Dr.Ann for my treatment. At the same time, I asked the pharmacist to explain further bout Iressa, when to take the med, how long is the duration, what does it really do to the tumor. I just want to make sure I understand what I read online. Her explanation clarifies 1 thing for sure that the patient has to take the tablet daily as long as it is suppressing the tumor. Until the day that the tablets don't work or the toxicity level in the patient has reach the maximum, then it's death sentence to the patient. Basically his lung is a time bomb. Nothing could cure it just like how he explained it to me. The medication is only taken to prolong his life as long as it could. Eventually he will need to leave me whether he chooses or not . Basically the choice is not up to him, but for now his choice is to let me go to lead my own life.
After that I walked under the rain to East point Mall. I could not stop crying coz knowing that it must have been so tough for him to face it alone. I just ran through the usual grocery shopping for flight and cabin preparation . I was hungry today so I keep eating the moment I ce back home , the whole box of jack fruit, 5 sliced of raisin loaf and lots of water . I felt bloated and kept on eating n stuffing myself . I felt that my brain is not telling me to stop even though the stomach is full. Could it be that I have a tumor in my brain now ? I do wish that it happens so I could die with him too and reborn together in another life together ....silly and selfish thought ...
Today, I had tried to lead my usual life before his arrival into my life. It has not been easy but so far it's been quite smooth. I went to Changi Hospital to get the prescription letter provided by Dr.Ann for my treatment. At the same time, I asked the pharmacist to explain further bout Iressa, when to take the med, how long is the duration, what does it really do to the tumor. I just want to make sure I understand what I read online. Her explanation clarifies 1 thing for sure that the patient has to take the tablet daily as long as it is suppressing the tumor. Until the day that the tablets don't work or the toxicity level in the patient has reach the maximum, then it's death sentence to the patient. Basically his lung is a time bomb. Nothing could cure it just like how he explained it to me. The medication is only taken to prolong his life as long as it could. Eventually he will need to leave me whether he chooses or not . Basically the choice is not up to him, but for now his choice is to let me go to lead my own life.
After that I walked under the rain to East point Mall. I could not stop crying coz knowing that it must have been so tough for him to face it alone. I just ran through the usual grocery shopping for flight and cabin preparation . I was hungry today so I keep eating the moment I ce back home , the whole box of jack fruit, 5 sliced of raisin loaf and lots of water . I felt bloated and kept on eating n stuffing myself . I felt that my brain is not telling me to stop even though the stomach is full. Could it be that I have a tumor in my brain now ? I do wish that it happens so I could die with him too and reborn together in another life together ....silly and selfish thought ...
No comments:
Post a Comment