A wonderful day an unexpected day

Today I had a great day...I had not expected it to turn out this way. I had skipped my Sunday morning Gongyo and felt bad about it. I was not expecting anything out of a normal Sunday although I had made plans with Winnie and Poon.  Woke up just in time to get ready to go to Winnie's place to join her for Bah Kut Teh feast at her soon to be opened new stall at People's Park centre.

Met some wonderful people , especially a lady named Juliet who used to be food columnist and had a wonderful sharing bout food in Malaysia and Singapore.  I would say the bah kut teh was not as authentic as the one in Klang but if one is craving for it, it will do 👍. They had toned down on the herb and star anise after effect to accommodate to local Singaporean palate .  Went for a movie with Poon which we had not done for the longest time. I had no expectations of "Cold War" so I really enjoyed the movie. It was raining heavily after the movie so we decided to go shop houses tour at joo chiat area. We even walked all the way from joo chiat road to tanjong katong road after the rain stopped, to try out this new cafe "Do main " (been there for a year ) . During the coffee session I told Poon bout Freddy.  For the first time in my life after knowing him , I felt very close to him to share my inner secrets with him. I am not sure why or how but I felt connected to him. I had never shared any of my relationship with him since I knew from uni days, he had liked me and confessed and I had rejected him. There are times in our 20 years of friendship I miss him so much that I thought I might liked him more than friends but was afraid to attempt it coz I worry I might lose a wonderful friend. Today by sharing bout Freddy to him kinda calm me down.  I am not sure why ...

After that we decided to walk all the way back to his condo coz he needed to clock 40k steps lol. .. we did a stop at wine connection and decided to open a bottle and ordered Chinese from next door.  I has so much food today that I think I will blow up. My stomach is showing today .

Although it was a great evening , my mind is still thinking of Freddy.  I requested to meet up and he replied that he is not feeling too great lately, and probably to meet another week. Simple message like that really made my day. I miss him a lot... I wish he was there with me too coz the place was playing our song earlier "thinking out loud"

Another day when I really miss him...

This morning I refuse to wake up. I was supposed to attempt my 10 hours marathon chanting but I just refuse to wake up. I had a full day yesterday, US Embassy, breakfast at Paul Pattiserie, chanting at SYC, durian a office, Byakuren daimokukai at my place... I was so busy that my mind is still thinking of him. I miss him...

I finally decided to wake up at noon and clear the dishes form yesterday evening. I had been eating a lot lately and I just weight myself this at noon. Even after finishing whatever balance of the nyonya kueh from yesterday gathering and ate so much durian, my weight is still 49.5 kgs.

I think I should get my body checked soon to see if there is something wrong with me. I managed to chant 2 solid hours of  daimoku although I had intended to do 10 hours. Decided to take. A break and watch a movie in my IPad , 巴黎假期  .  Had downloaded the movie for sometime and decide to open a bottle to go with the movie. I even cooked a kimchi noodles with 2 eggs to go with the wine and movie, had 2 espresso and a timtam chocolate.

 Now I guess you all believe that when I say I had been eating junk. There was a time I refuse to eat coz I hated food and viewed that all food is killing me and causing the cancer in a human being. Now I am loading myself with junk coz I want to get cancer. How ironic is it? The movie was very meaningful, it tells a story of a heartbreak but both main character lives through it, it also tells a story of a love loss just like me and Freddy. I had shared with Freddy to watch it if he has time. I hope that he will understand that it's not about forever but finding the soulmate. I found my soulmate and its him Freddy Phua Cheng Kiat.

Lucretia came over and visit me today.  She shared that it is my karma and Freddy's karma to go through this challenge. She suggested me to look at the perspective that he might have a mission too, for him to meet me before all these happened.  I have a mission to share this to him. Although the main challenge now would be to meet him to share this view to him. I just have to based my daimoku to enable me to open his view on this perspective. I also need to ensure that he is happy so he could fight the tumor. I should probably suggest to watch comedy to enable him to laugh and be happy to produce more happy hormone to fight the cancer .
Yes I will do that ... tonight going to bed and hoping that next week he will agree to meet up...miss him a lot...

You gave me hope again ...

Woke up early this morning to submit my passport to US Embassy.  I am very impressed with the service from them.  They replied my queries promptly online last week, managed to resolved the issue with the receipt and even the staff at the embassy was super friendly. Could it be my life conditions that I am viewing my surroundings differently? Either way it's a positive and good sign. I hardly comes to Orchard at such an early morning . It's basically empty even on the street. I need to go Mt.E to get my prescriptions. Hopefully this time i will be able to get it, tried a few places e.g. Changi Hospital pharmacy , SGH, unity and Guardian , to be back to Guardian at Mt.E.

Part of the reasons  I am feeling hopeful coz he replied my message yesterday. Send him an article to encourage him and glad that he reads it.

Sharon shared bout Sensei's struggle in Osaka campaign when he was 28 years old. He was diagnosed with tuberculosis and doc said he only had 2 years of life. Due to that reason he went all the way wholeheartedly to strive at Osaka campaign towards Mr.Toda wish of 750,000 households as he believe he cannot fail. If he fail means Mr.Toda will fail. Thus is his believe and conviction  towards the achievement of Kosenrufu toward his mentor's dream.  I can't fail too towards my 1 million daimoku as if I need to win for Freddy. I have to strive for him.  Is this consider part of Kosenrufu? Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism believes in practising for the happiness of oneself and others. Am I still consider doing it for the sake of Kosenrufu?

Managed to get the prescription 😊

Ordered Egg benedictine for the 1st time in my life 

Lai  Wah was kind to invite me to join her for her consultation  today.  To allow me to have a feel of accompanying a cancer patient through consultation and treatment, should I ever need to be there for Freddy.  Despite her going through the challenges she still think of me and trying to be there for me. I really appreciate it a lot and decided to accompany her for all her consultation and treatment whenever I am in Singapore.

Durian feast sponsored by the GM😃. My first feast of 2016

A bit emotional today ...

I woke up this morning a bit lost again . I know that when one is sick and takes medication , one is supposed to get better daily. This emotional sickness I am experiencing does not work in this way. There is no medication  other than chanting daily to build my inner state to be solid and stronger, to view each day positively , to find a purpose in each day. I would say that this is probably similar to cancer. It's not curable but treatable. He is going through the battle for cancer whereby I am going through the battle of my inner state.

I am not sure if I am worried or afraid that he will start to find me annoying and hate me ? Does he read my message or just click on the message but ignore it ? I am not even sure. Am I trying to hard to make him feel better daily that it's overwhelming to him? I am weak today . Could it be the monthly cycle that is making me emotionally drained today ? At least I am forced to go out again. I am glad that I did force myself to sign up for vocal class. I would like to record a song for him on his birthday. In fact he had suggested that he will sing me a song of my choice when we were together. He wants to play the piano while he sing to me. I would like to fulfill this vow too for his sake. Hopefully he will like to song I picked.

I just text his best buddy to check if they had been in touch. He say they did. I am relief to know he had friend around but at the same time quite hurt that he refuse to see me but choose to meet his buddy. At least knowing that he is OK from D kinda relief me a little.

I just came out from my first vocal class. Unexpected turn out today too. I nearly lost my patience and was a bit annoyed that I could not find the location of the place. I felt that Dee  (coach aka teacher) should have shared earlier bout the challenges to find his house rather than wait till I could not find it and only told me it's the wrong lrt stop . As I was walking looking for the block. I yearn to write to my "Bi" and shared with him my frustration. It seems that he comes to my mind when I am in sorrow and when I am in joy too. The whole process of going through the class and getting to know the coach makes me changed my mind later. I could connect with the coach and shared the reason behind me learning to sing. He understood and really wants me to improve to do a good recording for my "Bi". I actually feel great learning something new and knowing that I can sing too😊. I was approached by volunteers asking for donations  to special Olympic, agreed to do it coz I need as much good benefits to pass to him. I just spoke sponsored an athlete for a year.

I had an emotional evening at TIM meeting earlier
 It was something one of Sensei's message to youth that trigger me. I felt as if tonight the message was meant for me to fight the struggle I am going through my life now. He say to advance daily even though it's a "mm " as long as we advance and never retreat. My mind is blank after dialogue with Sharon and Sheila. A lot of mix emotion at the moment. I need to continue to chant for my 1 million daimoku cos I can't fail. The daimoku is for him to win and I need to win for him.  

Its ok to reject me but I will be there...

He finally replied to me after much persistence or probably there was something I said in the WhatsApp that ticks his nerve to want to reply me. Either way it does not matter. As long as he reply me. Although the reply was not very encouraging but it gave me an opportunity to share my view to him about the people around him who still care for him . I guess pushing him and keepp telling him daily, I miss and love him might be overwhelming for him at this point of time as he could not reciprocate the feelings although he wants to do it. He still refuses to allow me to visit or meet him. I will just have to continue to try again next week. I will probably give him a break this week.

I had felt much inspired and motivated to be with him irregardless of the outcome between us. For now, I will assume the position as a caring "friend". Nothing more than that. I just want him to continue to have hope to fight as I believe there is a possibility of him living longer than 5 years with the tumor in him. He just need to fight and live on. I just need to continue to receive his rejection and negativity till the day he finally cuts me out and probably hate me for bugging him. I know deep down he will understand that my intentions are good and its out of love to him that I am doing all these. The flight onboard to Manila went well and smooth although I did not have much sleep last night.

I am currenty writing at the lobby lounge of the Hyatt City of Dreams. Both the pilots had choosen to take a rest in the room. I find it too troublesome and waste of money to pay USD170 just for a few hours. I might as well just stay in the lobby to get some work done. I had not been organizing my mails and stuff for the past 3 weeks, I was not motivated to do anything. I just wanted to rot and drown myself in sorrow. It's time to get my life organized. I had even managed to have a good chat with Lisa and its like the way it used to be, us talking bout our flight and life. I feel like normal. Adeline had suddenly text me today to chat and encouraged me to write ot Sensei. I should probably share to him . He is like a father to me . Although he might be too busy to reply but I know he will chant for me to be victorious.

Me , myself and laptop in the lounge 

There is always unexpected things happening in daily life. It is how one perceive it... I just flew 4 "lechon" back from Manila.  One of the staff was kind to invite me to office on Friday to collect premium durian from Malaysia . It does make my day and at the same time I thought of Freddy too. He would had been excited bout the "lechon " and probably asked me to get him a portion to go with beer . At this stage it's different . He no longer could enjoy such delicacy and need to focus on eating healthy. I did shared with one of the younger staff when I saw him smoking, to cut down coz it will hurt his love ones when he is sick, just like what happened to Freddy now .  I really hope my daily sharing will enable Freddy to understand that there's much more to life and he needs to fight it and I will live better coz that's what he wants . I love Freddy  and will always love him .

Getting back to my old life b4 him...

I am not sure which is worst. Not being able to see him or not receiving any reply from him . Either one its not making it easier for me. I believe it's not easy for him too. I am trying to be brave and strong , to share my daily strength with him and hoping that he understands that I will try to move on. I just hope that he will not cut me out totally.  I still want to spend some time with him even as a friend.  Of course , I can't expect hugs and kisses coz it will make things difficult and painful for him too. Is that the reason he is avoiding to reply to me? That he will not be able to resist not hugging and kissing me when he sees me?

Today, I had tried to lead my usual life before his arrival into my life. It has not been easy but so far it's been quite smooth. I went to Changi Hospital to get the prescription letter provided by Dr.Ann for my treatment.  At the same time, I asked the pharmacist to explain further bout Iressa, when to take the med, how long is the duration, what does it really do to the tumor. I just want to make sure I understand what I read online.  Her explanation clarifies 1 thing for sure that the patient has to take the tablet daily as long as it is suppressing the tumor. Until the day that the tablets don't work or the toxicity level in the patient has reach the maximum,  then it's death sentence to the patient.  Basically his lung is a time bomb. Nothing could cure it just like how he explained it to me.  The medication is only taken to prolong his life as long as it could. Eventually he will need to leave me whether he chooses or not . Basically the choice is not up to him, but for now his choice is to let me go to lead my own life.

After that I walked under the rain to East point Mall. I could not stop crying coz knowing that it must have been so tough for him to face it alone.  I just ran through the usual grocery shopping for flight and cabin preparation . I was hungry today so I keep eating the moment I ce back home , the whole box of jack fruit, 5 sliced of raisin loaf and lots of water . I felt bloated and kept on eating n stuffing myself . I felt that my brain is not telling me to stop even though the stomach is full. Could it be that I have a tumor in my brain now ? I do wish that it happens so I could die with him too and reborn together in another life together ....silly and selfish thought ...

Being friend

This morning when I woke up, I kinda had a realisation that I had been too sellfish all along wanting things to go my way. I am not sure when this realisation came about. I am not even sure if I am suddenly giving up on him. I was planning to go to his Condominium today to check if he is really staying there and probably try to find his unit and send him food. When I woke up this morning, I realised that this is probably a crazy idea and I am beginning to sound like an obsessed lunatic. I need to stop this and love myself and live the life that he wanted me to live on. I just send him an encouragement to chant if it could make him feel better during the treatment.

I still love him but part of me is very much drained after a week of only me 1 sided wanting to walk along the journey with him and him constantly rejecting me daily. I refuse to get out of the bed and just wanted to go back to sleep and not think about anything for now. Life does not stop even though I choose to stop my life. The clock continues to tick and life continues...

I finally pull myself up, showered and got ready to leave the house. It was a great things that the girls invited me to afternoon tea so I am kinda forced to leave the house. I did feel much better when I was there and I did share with them the news. None of them expected this from me. The most they expected was that I am heartbroken and need time to heal. None of them expected to hear such incident to happen to the one I love. Although during the whole afternoon I was there, I did managed to eat till I could not eat anymore, stuff myself till my throat could not fill anymore, I did enjoy the afternoon with them. I guess it is good to be out doing something to take my mind off him. Part of me feels guilty as if I am enjoying the day and kinda forgot about him. I am not sure why I felt this way, does not mean I no longer love him or I don't love him that much as I claim I do...

I miss him a lot...every steps I did today during the pole dancing or the striptease steps, I imagines he was there watching. I have to dance well so he could enjoy my performance. Every move I  made, I would imagined what he once done to every inch of my body. I yearn for him badly...

When the girls drop me off at Taka earlier, it reminded me of him too. That was the 1st time we laid our eyes on each other. The first time we met. The first time he offered to pick me up to attend the briefing at Tampines on behalf of the bride and groom. That was how we started to connect...it seems everywhere I go it reminded me we were once there, on the escalator, on the lift, on the area...

I had decided to listen to him and move on but I had requested that he do not shut me out totally, I want to be there even though my status and rights had been demoted to a friend only. I don't mind. I just want to be able to visit him and see him although its only once a week...I hope he will agree to it...I will move on for his sake...I know it is not easy for him too...I have to move on and live a better life for his sake...I will still love him and only I need to know...nobody needs to know anything...not even him...

Iressa begins ...

I am glad to know that he had started his Iressa treatment.  He had also shared that he had been thinking a lot and his mind is clear,  he wants me to move on to find the opportunities in happiness and we will always be friend. I understand his intention  as he does not want me to wait for him and eventually be his burden.  I has also been thinking for the past few days about being with him. I am thinking if I an living in the sweet 6 weeks of honeymoon, love the guy on that 6 weeks and believe in that and refuse to wake up ? Or I truly love him now ? I can say that u can't stop thinking of him and miss him badly. I am asking myself to follow my sensible mind and let him go. To fulfil his wish to do what he wants me to go but my heart tells me otherwise,  I love him even if I choose to listen to him I truly love him . I had made up my mind today that I will love him in my way. To stay strong and continue living my life but never give him up. I will start preparing simple meal and deliver to him. Hopefully he will gain strength to fight against the tumor.  I will do it as long as he is still in Singapore . At this moment my heart cannot love others or my body cannot belong to others coz it's a promise I made . I believe he would had wanted to do the same thing but he just wants the best for me. I hope he will begun to realise the best for me now is to allow me to be with him. I will also need to start sharing to him to start chanting as well. Mystic Law really works in the most mysterious way and it will work for him too in healing him.  

True ❤

I am not sure why but there was this emptiness in me tonight. I had requested to meet him again when I land into Singapore. Everyday during this period between 7pm to 1040pm he seems to be not available online. I was wondering if he is still going to "S" despite him being sick or if he is taking a nap coz too tired or if he is at hospital at the moment. Could that be the reason he refuse to see me tonight ? Whatever the reason  , I really miss him a lot
 I just wish and pray I could see him but at the same time I have to learnt to give each other some space at this point of time in life. I still want to walk the path with him and I need to learnt to be patient about it. Our ❤will pull us through .

Winnie had offered to come and accompany me tonight and I had taken the offer coz I know I needed it. The last 2 days of non-stop crying in hotel had relief me a little, I guess the shocking truth is finally sinking in and the fear of losing him is sinking in too. If this is what fear is all about , I believe his fear is 100 times worst than me. I just have to pray that he is OK.

The flight back from Calcutta had been smooth although busy. I had managed to complete the whole Indian dining service for 2 tables without a glitch, followed by coffee service and fruit service an hour later. It seems that despite me having the worst month of my life , work had been smooth. Both my pilots had been very supportive during these few trips and ensure all in order for me too.  I am truly blessed to be working with all of them.

When I am ready I would like to write the story of us. How we started our life together and even details of our date so that when my mind starts to deteriorate I will be able to read it. Someone will be able to read our story. The true love of Freddy ❤ Sin Tien

Joyful practise towards victory

This morning I woke up hopeful again . I believe last few days I was kinda still in shocked and the news kinda starting to sink in. Yesterday in Yangoon was the worst.  The tear tank just would not stop flowing . It got to the point that my eyes was so tired and I nearly needed to sleep. So I did sleep from 7 plus evening till next morning 430am. Although I still have interrupted sleep but I am glad I had a good rest.

Today I managed to control my emotions , went to the gym too although only 30 minutes  and managed to chant 3 hours of joyfull Daimoku. I even managed to join the team for a very delicious southern Indian food . Although it's not really southern Indian if one order naan,  butter chicken, aloo gobi and paneer curry....lol..anyway it was a good dinner and time spend with them . The hotel staff was nice to pack all remaining food in a separate boxes. I went out of the hotel offering the beautifully packed boxes to passer by. It took me a while after approaching 3 people before someone finally took the boxes of food . They must be thinking what this weird Chinese girl was on  doing on the street.  Anyway I am glad the man finally took it after I open the box and showed him the food .

I text to ask him if he wants me to go over and spend the night at his place tomorrow. He replied no need.  Hmm...just like that... I am not upset but glad that he at least replied . At least my emotions are more settled today. I will still try my best daily and patiently to meet him. I know he must have missed me a lot but at the same time still could not decide if he wants me to go through it with him. I can even feel that he is beginning to fight this battle. I think this must be what people called positive energy transmitting around one who is hopeful.  Tomorrow is another day. I am thinking if I should pursue to go although he say no... I must think sensibly and not using my heart only. ..although my heart tells me to go even though if he will get angry ...should I ?

Another day another struggle to continue ...

I had been trying to sleep since 930pm and it's now 130am. What is wrong with my mind? A lot of questions ... what am I doing with my life ? Is this the question  he wants me to really consider ? 

I did not sleep well.  I was basically awake the whole night.  It was probably due to my mind not able to rest or the sound of the heavy rain rattling at the aircon compressor. My mind had been racing and battling on should I let him go. Don't get me wrong and I know he won't blame me too. I still love him a lot and more than any of you can imagine. I just don't want him to be upset or worried bout me. Probably I should give him a break/space  for a few days. He needs to sort out his thoughts too. No point I keep sending him message when he does not even want to reply me. I know he misses me too but there is nothing much he can do now. I just have to believe that time will tell and time will proof that our love will be strong even without words. 

Today was a real emotional roller coaster . My pilot keep asking if I am OK to the extend I wanted to shout at him but I did not. He meant well. I suddenly felt like sharing and told him what I am going through , burst out crying. It could be the lack of sleep and the busy flight and it just hit me. 

When I arrived at the hotel, tons of messages from my family about the saga between my mum and my brother.  My mum wanting to commit suicide and my brother could not stand my mum anymore and so on. I started to hate this life I have now. It's like all this lifetime of practise is suddenly being tested through this time this moment. At times like this I wish I could run to my Bi and share it all to him.  He is nowhere to be found today. I am not even sure what is happening. Since I had decided to give him a break for a few days , I should not text him. I should be strong and face this issue on my own. He has enough on his plate at the moment to be worrying bout my family saga.  As for saga,  for once in 20 years I will wash my hands off and let them handle it on their own. It's time they sort out their own mess rather than me keep assisting them to solve their issue.

After 1 hour of chanting , a lunch and a nap , I felt much better and calm. Another day another challenge to strengthen myself.  This journey is not easy,  full of pot holes,  probably I might be bruised badly or even bleed but I had chosen to continue and I shall need to continue bravely.  I know when I look back in future I definitely will have no regrets . 

My bizarre dream...

I had to write this down.  I just had the scariest dream. I was in one of the training centre in USA. There were a lot of familiar faces of people I had work with and worked for the whole life. After half day training , as I was going for lunch, the alert emergency alarm rang and all of us were ushered to the field and to the bus that eventually brought us to an resort . The journey was so long and by the time we arrived it was night time. Every time an alarm rings,  I always assume it's a false alarm or a drill. This time it seems real. As we alight from the bus. I realised I did not bring a single thing with me. No id,  no mobile nothing as if I had left everything of my this life in the centre. The news we heard along the way was that there was actually a nuclear bomb attack and the whole centre is gone to pieces. I saw Lisa and I cried . I told her all my life is left with nothing now.  I am stateless and nameless.  The only person  I want to run to is Freddy. I am so afraid of unable to contact him. Am I having this dream due to my low life condition ? Everytime I am having fever I will have the most bizarre and scary dream. I hope this is a dream and remain a dream only. There are more to the dream I had but I could only recall the above.  The rest was so blurry I am not even sure of what it was ... weird ...

I am not sure how to describe this emptiness in me. It seems that he is still there but part of him does not want to include me in his struggle. Could this be him testing if I could really go through this with him ? I don't think so. He is probably too busy thinking bout me . He has his own emotions to handle, his whole life of things to sort out in case he becomes too weak to handle it later. This will be another test of my inner state to be stronger. I was about to sink a little when the call to work and get my arse out came in. The timing was so right that I am forced to leave the house made me feel better after running errands for the departure tomorrow.  It even made me hunger for food. I believe the mystic law really works in the most unusual way when one needed it the most . I just have to have constant believe in it.

Will I be able to be strong for him ?

As I am typing this lying on my couch , I suddenly felt helpless, not too sure if it's coz of the fever in the me at the moment or due to the fact I felt that it must have been 100 times worst for F. Fever is nothing compared to cancer. He must have beaten so badly that made him lost total hope in life. I must stay positive and hopeful on his behalf.

My body finally gave in after weeks of battle with emotional ups and down. I must not fall sick coz if I am sick I can't be with him. If I am not well, he will never let me be there for him. Still, at moments like this I long for him to be beside me now and hug me. Wake up selfish girl!  It's not you its him you have to focus on . It's a life we are talking bout.  I cancelled all my appointments today as I really need to rest and get well ASAP so I could be there when  he needs me. 

Angel arrive when one needs it.  Lai Wah text me yesterday night asking bout me and F. I needed to share out to someone and I told her . She would understand coz she had gone through the sickness on her own 3 years back. She immediately asked to meet F to encourage him and want him to stay on fighting. Her situation is similar stage 4 but it's her breast. I really want F to meet her as a survivor to patient can be more encouraging than me. Would F be open to meet her ? 

I felt so lonely tonight although F had finally replied to my WhatsApp. I am not sure the loneliness is due to me not well and wanting some comfort or part of me realising that he will not have the time and attention to give me at this moment or probably never. I will always be his secondary , thirdly and even bottom list of important things to do at this moment or as long as he is fighting the battle against cancer. I am being selfish again and thinking bout my emotions only. I really miss him a lot. I need to adjust getting used to him not able/feel like replying to me, not wanting to do anything except sorting his stuff, not able to love and care for me like he used to and many many more. It is an adjustment I need to get used to. I guess this is what he wants me to think about . As there are many things he won't be able to do it for me . I might get frustrated or even to the point or upset and there is nothing he can or even if he wants to he is able to at this moment, as long as he is battling this illness. I am not even sure now if I could go through it. The only thing in my mind is I really want to go through this with him coz I really truly love him a lot. It's only 2 months and 8 days being together but it only took me a day to fall in love with him. 

I gave him a Valentine's day card I bought when I was 16 years old. It has been with me since then . I had kept it so long that the envelope had turned yellow. I had not found the right person to give it. He say to keep the card and give it to him when he is immobile in the future. I hope that I don't need to give him at all and he will win this battle. 

The truth ...

The truth is finally revealed. Although I had prepare myself for stage 4 cancer and probably 3 months left and most deadly lung cancer, but I had prayed that it will not be the deadliest of this. When he shared with me the shocking news and journey he went through, from back ache to pain relief clinic to MRI, immediate referral to oncologist although it is already after office hour , to CT scan and finding the cancer marker on his lung. It must have been a scary and devastating journey for him to go through it alone. It would be for anyone. 

He insisted that this is the best that we should not continue our relationship and it will be too painful for him or me. I would be able to forget about him if we just break off now. How could I do that to the love of my life? To the one who had provided me the best thing I had ever had in my entire life. I insisted my stand but promised him I will seriously give it a thought. 

He has approximately 7 months time left if the oral treatment managed to shrink the tumor he might have a year ? If he is lucky , he might have survival 2 to 5 years but the probability is very small. I felt that he is still in shocked although he said he had past the stage and prepare to die. I want to be there to encourage him to fight this battle bravely.  To have hope that anything is possible. This is not the time to push it. We will just need to wait for the next test result to see the suitability of the oral treatment to fight the cancer in him. I can only chant daily and I am embarking on 1 million daimoku before his treatment ends so that he will stay positive and courageous to fight this.

I had promised him if he allow me to walk the journey with him , I will not waste my time and life but continue what I do daily and just spent the time with him when he is available, as he needs to get a lot of stuff done at this moment.

What am I feeling now ? I just wish now that he is a liar that had cheated my feelings. At least he will live and my hurt will past eventually..life does not work in this way. 

I read about angiogenesis inhibitors a way to starve the tumor. It seems hopeful. How should I approach it to him?  I need to find a way and show him the video I just saw. It can complement the oral treatment he will be going through. I must win for him coz I truly love him...even for additional 1 more day ...

First argument...

I could not sleep the whole night after meeting Winnie.  I am not sure if it's the mocochino I had at Mc Café or the fact that I felt bad my mum waited the night for me till 2am to be back. Either way I felt so horrible and sickly when I woke up this morning. I am glad that mum is finally going back today. It's not because I don't appreciate her being here to cook and nurse my appetite but I just know that I can't continue to show a cheerful face daily to her. I just want to be myself. It felt relief after she walked into the immigration. I had to force my self to finish the whole plate of nasi lemak  this morning with her.

I went to TSC after sending her off hoping that  I could chant my heart out while waiting for him to reply. The clock ticks and after 1 hour it's so unbearable in the chanting room that I had to walk out to 3rd floor corner area and to chant silently on my own . Send him another text at 2pm and he read it but no reply.  It's becoming unbearable with no confirmation  or reply from him. Will he meet me ? I had to text someone to talk and I  not sure why Angeline came to my mind. She scolded me harshly and told me to wake up. Don't be deceived by this and it sounds like movie plot. He is just using me. He is not worth it. I began to feel so emotional that it was so bad I wrote to him a very nasty,  mean and angry message.  I know I will hurt him with such piercing words but I was bleeding from inside me that it won't stop. I can't take it and just want to give up my belief that he is still true and he genuine guy I met.

As I was walking out leaving TSC,  it started to drizzle followed by heavy pour by the time I arrived at the bus stop. It poured so heavily as if the sky is crying on my behalf.  At this moment of anger, he replied saying that he is glad that I am moving on coz he is not worth it. He had really wanted to meet me tomorrow but he was in hospital today doing CT scan. My heart sank knowing it that I must have hurt him badly. I choose not to apologize but continue to make my stand to want to meet him to the extend we had our first argument and he is really pissed angry at me. After numerous exchanges of angry words he finally gave in to meet me. I hope he will forgive me one day for what I say today. I don't mean the nasty things I say to him. I truly wants to be strong for him. I has tried very very hard.

Whatever happens had happened,  he had finally agreed to come tomorrow and tell me everything. I just need to chant that he will be able to accept me again to be there for him and not to burden him. I really love him and want him to win this battle even if he does not want me at he end of his journey ,when he wins the battle of the health.

The waiting game...

This life challenge I am going through now is probably one of my life most difficult period. The comfort is to know that he still read my message means he is OK. I am not sure if I am strong enough to face the news on Monday but the counting down to the hours till we meet is a real test for me at this moment. 

My sister and family arrive today on Saturday, with a big bouquet of white lilies to cheer me up.  It's really a very pretty bouquet and it smell great too. I did not do much today except chant and read sensei's guidance.  I felt that I had been lazy today.  It's like part of me want to give up altogether and shut myself out of life. Will I really be strong to fight alongside him or a burden to him instead ? It's a very confused feeling at the moment. I am not too sure myself if I can really pull it through without him allowing me and pushing me away.

I pray that he will live and he will survive the situation he is going through. Still in dark and not too sure what to expect out of all these until Monday.  It's like countdown to the sentence on Monday. Will I survive the answer ? I must have faith that the outcome is the best arrangements that Gohonzon will provide to me. 

Winnie text me and asked if I am still awake at 11pm. I tried to sleep and been tossing on the bed since 930pm. My mind is awake, so we decided to meet at mc cafe near my place. I walked around the neighbourhood while waiting for them to arrive. It felt so peaceful walking at night and feeling the breeze. I shared with them the whole story bout me and him.  Him finally sharing he is sick and me not too sure what to expect on Monday.  I even read about organ donation if I could do that for him if it involves liver,  kidney and lobus lung.  Even if our blood do not match,  I can still do a cross donation whereby I find a suitable donor for him and I donate mine to the donor's recipient.  The possibilities is vast . Winnie and Gek Lee wanted to prepare me mentally and questioned me many times if I am absolutely sure that he is sick and if it's real. I shared that even if i could turn back time, I would still want to meet him and be in love with him. It's like an ultimate love that I will never ever meet. They will fully support decision and shared that if it's cancer there are lots of successful cases of survival.  I will know on Monday. 

Being naked...

I suddenly feel very sad to know the possibility outcome of what would happen to him. The only way I could be stronger is to chant to have a strong faith. To chant for the courage and strength to have the fighting spirit to walk with him. 

First I must chant abundant daimoku and find the guidance that I could be able to be strong and encourage him when I meet him on Monday, him to have the courage to be fully "naked" with me. Naked in this context is not physically not wearing a single piece of clothing but opening up his soul, sharing his thoughts and fear with me. I am not sure of the outcome of Monday. I need to have the strong conviction  and faith that he will allow me to walk the path with him. 

I began to understand the path I had gone through these past 3 weeks. Why I had to endure so much hurt and sadness to arrive to this moment of truth. The journey I had walked for the past 3 weeks is to enable me to build a strong inner state of life ...human revolution. ..to face this news from him. I believe now that if I were to receive this news 3 weeks ago I would  break down and will not be able to be his pillar of strength. 

I had chanted 3 hours daimoku today and read Sensei's Discussion  on Youth: Life and Death to give me the strength to think positively till the day I get to see and hear him say his piece.  It had also open up my mind to be able to accept the challenges he might be facing. I believe his main challenges would be more to mentally not able to provide and care for me as time is of essence now. It does not matter to me the "time " left. What matter most is to be able to fully spent the remaining time we have left and leave a lasting memories . He is the best thing that had ever happened in my life and I want to fight alongside him till the end.  I had kinda set a few steps of planning to our next path but I need to meet him on Monday to decide on the situation  before we could plan the next path.  

For this 2 days , I really need prayers from all of you who are reading this that he will have the courage to be "naked" with me and accept my request to walk the path with him. Thank you 

Terminal illness

The worst fear of a human being is to know that one is diagnosed with terminal illness with little time left and so many things not done in their life. I had given this thought so many times in my life that I think I will be prepared if it ever happens to me. I will have no regrets and I believe I had done my best and will make use of the remaining time I have to do whatever I can. I would want to bring all the people that I love and care close to me and share with them how much I had cherished the moments we had gone through together and never grieves for me. Remember me when I was at my best.

To hear this news happening in another person  can be traumatic but I was preparing for the worst and yes it is happening now. He finally replied that he is sick and left with not much time, don't want to be anybody's burden, don't waste my youth on him, since our relationship is premature to leave now so it won't be painful.

How does one gauge the length of relationship to know if it will be painful or not if one departs ? For me knowing it had made me even want to walk the rest of the time he have, to cherish every moments he could spare for me. He has so many things he had not done and he don't want to waste anymore time. I want to be there for all of them. I chant that he will allow me to be there. Part of me just wanted to propose to him and be his wife. To love him and care for him. If one think too much about it then it is not love but trying to justify the situation . I realised now I do love him a lot and really want to be with him till the end of time. 

I had wanted to see him and tell him all that. He had refused to even pick up the call. He just want to shut me out and let me go. I am left with no choice but to go to the park where he stay and wait for him. He refused and asked me to leave as the place is secluded and dark. Finally he agreed to meet on Monday. What would be the outcome on Monday ? Will he be so mad and reject me face to face ? 

I had chanted 3 hours today to give me the courage to fight alongside him. I need to chant abundant daimoku,  based my conviction and faith that he will be strong to pull through on daimoku. This time the struggle is not for me to win but for him to win. I will need to chant for the wisdom to talk to him on Monday to share this Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism to him. The only way to save his life other than medication. It will work hand in hand to save him, prolong his life and reduce his suffering. 

My mission

I heard a devastating news earlier, a YWD had witnessed her boyfriend sudden heart attack early on the morning last week in the kitchen. She could not do anything other than call for ambulance and chanted non-stop while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. It was such a traumatic news to me. I am glad that my inner state is much much stronger now. Hence, I just wrote to him to share that we must treasure each other and this love we have. There are things not within our control. If we can fight for it why give up. I really hope he will have the courage to come out and meet me if he really wants me to give up this relationship for good.

I will continue to encourage him daily. A lot of thoughts was running through my mind during my chanting earlier . None of  the thoughts were negative but very inspiring thoughts . All action starts with me. I need to move forward towards my mission in kosen-rufu. When my mission  is accomplished the answer I wanted will be revealed.

I read the whole chapter of Bold struggle . There were so many quotes from Sensei that was so inspiring that I had to share, 

"Self-awareness means to awaken oneself, to become fully enlightened to one's essential nature. As Mr.Josei Toda did in prison, it is vital to gain conviction that one is a Boddhisatva of the Earth and to dedicate one's life, in the spirit of unity with the mentor, to realising the great vow of kosen-rufu. Our mission is to realise happiness and peace for all humanity. When this awakening occurs, it is as if a door opens in the earth of one who was previously concerned only with their own happiness, revealing the supreme and noble path of altruism stretching out ahead. This is the direct path to transforming one's life-state and to human revolution. "

I had gone through his reply again and again, I hope that I am not thinking of the worst of the situation that he might be in. If it really involves that "issue" , I feel that there is no way out but to face it bravely. I just hope that he will believe that I will be there and I will stand by him and wait for him, supporting him through the whole process. I believe he meant me well and does not want to implicate me in his situation . I had Google numerous articles relating to the "issue" and it seems that there is no way out other than face it.

"Everyone has some kind of problems or another, and the purpose of Buddhist practise is to enable us to vigorously challenge and overcome hardship. In the process of doing so, we can strengthen our life's foundation and, through these endeavours,  we can further solidify our conviction in faith and thus put much more effort in promoting kosen-rufu " 

I want to be his pillar of strength ....

The feeling of emptiness and heavy chest is not that strong this morning. I believe it's one determination that changes the whole situation. One's mind that changes the situation. Could it be that I am stronger in controlling my mind now ? 

Although I had decided to move on and to keep this love and cherish it, his reply came in unexpectedly. "That he is in great trouble and nothing matters anymore at this point of time and I need to move on to find the happiness I deserved. " 
His reply had convinced me that what we once went through was real amd sincere. I had chosen to take the path to silently support him every day by being strong. I pray that he will face his situation  courageously. Since I had chosen this path, my mission  for kosenrufu became clearer although at times I am not sure if this is the right path to take on. Since Nichiren Daishonin  Buddhism believes that all human is a Buddha, I am determined to be his pillar of support to overcome his challenges. I will prove to him our love could sustain all obstacles as long as one has "Faith". 

I am chanting daily to find the strength in me to be strong and independent, to be there when should he fall. I hope he won't fall but continue to stay strong. Wrote him a poem this morning too, 

Sun rises,
Time to face the day,
In whichever way,
Rest assured ,
That I will be there,
When you call upon me.

I will send him daily encouragement and love to enable him to be strong.  I  also striving daily with 2 hours or more Daimoku and daily dialogue with whoever I could  meet to continue my mission in Kosenrufu. I hope that my mission will enable me and him to overcome our inner state to be strong. I still love him very much till today. 

Ultimate LOVE

If you asked me what does the future lies for both of us I can't answer . For now I can say I still love you and I will fight for this love I believe in. At first when I thought I had lose you I was trying to figure out if I am obsessed with the romance we once had or was it true love? What if you can't provide all u had once promised ? Will I still love you. I realised later that I would. Why and how ? Coz I know that as long as you are around, it does not matter if we just live in a simple lifestyle and having 3 meals a day.  Material could not buy the love and happiness you once provided. Material does not mean anything to me then and it does not now. I had once told you I am happy with just a plate of fried bee hoon and I really meant it. If you are sick I will be there till your last breath. If you are broke I will be there to start all over again with you. I dare not say my love for you is ultimate but I will fight for this relationship coz I know that you really love me but just at this moment circumstances does not allow it . Unless you tell me, you had stop loving me and you had found someone else.  Then I shall let you go and will cherish this love you once showered on me. I will send you daily encouragement and assurance that I am OK so you do not need to worry about me. So you could fight your battle and face your daily battle courageously. Rest assured that as long as we both have faith we will pull through this together. 

While waiting for the girls to arrive, I felt like having a drink so here I am at tanuki raw . When I say,  2 young girls I meant it coz they are in their mid 20s still looking for direction in life and the path they wants to lead. Where as for me I can say I had lived my life halfway if I live up to 80s. It really felt better to be out and meeting different people from my usual routine. Thought of having a glass of pinot noir but was told it is an open bottle since not sure which day. So decided on the tap beer Sharkinator white ipa(shipped from California) .  The pump is not working . So I guess it's not meant for me to have a drink now. The session had seems like me motivating the 2 girls but I felt refreshed and inspired to share with them my mission in Kosenrufu and my outline of struggle in LOVE. Another wonderful day although it's been a cloudy and rainy day. In my heart today is bright and sunny. I am seeing light...

A vow once made ...

Today is another journey to get used to not having him beside me when I would hope he will be there. I am going to see Dr.Ann for a biopsy. This is not the first time I have to go through this process. 

He once promised me that if we ever need to go through any procedure be it big or small, we will have to be there for each other. He wants me to be there for him just like when he had to have his wisdom tooth removed at Q&M. That is when he made that vow to me. I promised him that I will be there when he wants me to. He will want to be there when  I need to change my "parts" in 3 years time. 

The journey to the hospital seems lonely although the bus is full of morning crowd going towards their respective destination. I really wish to have him holding my hand and telling me that it's OK and he will be there. I can only dream of it now. I need to be strong and not fall today coz I had managed to climb a few steps up from hell since Sunday. The choice to be happy and sad is up to me. To be victorious and win or to be defeated and fall in misery is also up to me. There is no in between happy and sad , or win and lose.  I must constantly remind myself this.

It was not such a difficult to go through today's procedure. Dr.Ann assured me there is most benign as the patches are not visible and it's tiny. We will just have to wait for the result. The scale today still say 49 kgs. I need to find a way to start increasing my weight. It will b too risky if I am underweight and go for EBC in September. 

Friends I had not spoken or contacted me started calling or texting me when I posted my path to recovery in FB. All wanted to know out of concern but I could not share and not ready. I just want to move on and heal.  Those who know me was shocked that I had fallen to this devastated situation. I just want to get back up soon on my feet on my own and with support from my family and friends. 

I am still thinking of him a lot ...

Although I know it's only Day 2 towards my path of recovery but I still could not accept the fact that it's over. Is it ? There was no answer or reply from him. It is all me making the decision. Does it matter ?

The journey the taxi took today to office reminded me of our first journey to meet up to buy Yong Tau Foo on the 2nd day of our relationship. The same morning,  it rained so heavily when we were walking to have brunch.  He was hugging me so tightly when he was holding the umbrella for both of us. I felt so safe and secured knowing that he was there. I can't help to look out the window everytime if there was a very very dark blue car. That's how he describe the color if his car. "It's not black bi ! It's very very dark blue".

While holding my mum's hand walking or going up the escalator, I can't help to think of him. That his hand is always there once we leave the car and him hugging me while we are going up or down the escalator. How can one be thinking of someone so much that it's beginning to sound like an obsession .

My body is still adjusting to moving back to my normal self. Yesterday started to purge after dinner. I am not sure if my body is healing slowly adjusting  due to lack of food since I had not taken regular meal for the past 1 week. Today after lunch, the body is purging again.  I felt bad that I could not finish what I ordered. At least I ate half the portion . Knees are weak due to purging but I hope that I am better tonight to go for my class.  I don't want miss the class coz I am more high spirited after the class. 

Road to recovery

I am not sure what was the deciding point to make the final decision. Love can be an illusion to get away from the awful boring mundane day to day life in one person. Could it be that I had chosen to fall into this trap on my own accord? I am definitely heartboken to the extent that I could not even do anything without effort. Even the thought of drinking needs to be pushed on my side. I wrote my final piece to him. Am I still expecting a reply from him ? Part of me yes. Deep down I know he will not. Who am I? I am only his less than 2 months fling in one of the summer. Summer love always ends up heartbroken. I believed that he was this caring and sensitive guy who would cherish the person he meet. I guess I was wrong about him. He once shared that it works the same way when a man make love to a women. It needs to involve the feelings and emotions too. I believed that we were connected each time we were together. 

I can't go on thinking that he might come back anymore. I need to move on. What was the trigger point? The book, the daimoku, or my mum? I don't even know. I just want to get better. I don't want the people around me to see losing weight, sunken and sad. I want to be this bubbly, happy and cheerful sun of happiness to everyone I meet. Especially to my dearest mum. I want to be better for her coz she deserve to have a wonderful daughter after all those years of struggle. 

As for F, will I be able to be his friend again? I dunno. I don't hate him but I can't face him now after all he had done to cause so much misery in me. I just have to cut him out. I know I will have the urge to contact him at times but I just have to stop it. I can't blame J for being there for him coz it's not her fault. If F does not want J to be there, nobody can stop him. It's obvious that I am the one on the outside in these relationship. Should I hate him? I wish I could but hating someone will not make me much happier too. I just need to move on and nurture myself body back to health too. 

Rules of attraction ...

I took a bus to the airport to pick up my mum, I sat there at the bus stop watching each individual, the car that passes by and the people sitting in the bus. I wonder if all of us dress up the same who would stand out? How did one person choose to notice another person in a group? Did they choose who they want to interact based on their smile, outlook, voice,  if everyone dresses the same. 

Why did I choose to interact with F after the wedding ? What makes me want to go out with him on the 11th of May ? Did I choose him because he was better looking ? Charming? Drives a nice car? His eyes? Could it be the whole package of him being such a charming and gentleman person?  

Why did he choose me? Do I look like an easy target to charm ? What attracts him bout me? My super crazy bubbly laugh or my honesty. 

I wonder how does 2 stranger gets connected with just a touch of hands. Was there any research done that proves the attractions  level of 2 individuals only lasted certain time frame before one of them suddenly felt it's wrong. I really would like someone to tell me about it. 

I guess first stage of attractions is always the looks, that includes how one dress up and carry oneself.  There is a saying there is no ugly people in this works just lazy people. I believe it's really true.

Thinking out loud

Today is another struggle.  I send him a song. Our song. The song that describe so much about how we started and how we are going to grow old together. Another blank response.  I guess he would have sense by now that I am desperate and pathetic. Is this what people called retribution? I had once ignore certain person  messages too. That was different coz I was really not interested. Now I know how it felt to be ignored.  To be shut out totally by someone you love. 

I tried to watch the TV to take my mind off him. Jamie's kitchen was showing cooking in Wales and it brought back memories of him promising to bring me there this summer to Ireland to drink our favourite Guinness. It seems that I can't get rid of him even while watching TV.  Performed my morning Gongyo , tried to chant my 2 hours daimoku. After 20 minutes my mind was wandering away so much it felt guilty to be performing such half hearted daimoku. Stop...lie on the floor ...lie on the 2nd room...lie on the couch ...wake up wake up don't just waste your day. You must  create victory everyday. I had the urge to call any of my friends over for sos but dread to share and allow them to analyse my situation  when I could not even share what happened. I need food. I need my mum too. Counting down the hours she is arriving later. Too weak to even walk out to buy food . What nonsense!!! You are not paralysed or sick. Get your round small arse up and go get your body fill up !!! Let me lie here for a while please ...

I managed to forced myself to buy my lunch. After reading the "discussion on youth : what is love? " by Daisaku Ikeda and testimonial "The deepest lost " SGI. I would not say that it healed me totally but reading the article again gave me a different insight bout love and life today.  At least it made me walk out and buy my lunch. Even though I only managed almost half portion , I am glad that I ate. I hate wasting food and throwing away edible food. I will keep it a while and eat it later if I can. 

What's next after the crying game?

I shared earlier that the healing process just started, I am looking for avenue to release and avenue for comfort. I suddenly felt like logging into the Facebook page and browse through A, looked through his adventure in Ecuador. It makes me want to be there, to be carefree. I decided to send him a friend request. I am not betraying F by being A’s friend. I removed F from my list of friend. Why? Coz I could not bear to find out anymore outings he is having with J anymore.  Back to A. Somehow in his whole journey to explore Ecuador and learnt Spanish gave me a sense of comfort and freedom. A carefree way to let go of all responsibility and just leave. I wanted to leave just like him. Each photo of his adventure in Ecuador really represents his character described by F. Could it be that I wanted to be like A too? To be able to get away to nurse one’s heartbreak. He does not seem to be nursing a heartbreak based on the photos and adventure he shared in Facebook. It could be that the way F described A that I am just curious about him and wanting to find out if he is such a fun, happy go lucky person. F did describe the best of A whenever he talks about him.

I had gone through all my heartbreak immersing myself in work. Not even once, had I taken a break from my life, work or family to just be free and see the world. Yes, although part of my job requires me to travel extensively but, mine is work. I want to get away without looking at the time, schedule and responsibility. This time I should really take a break and just travel around the world. Can I do that? Do I have the courage to leave everything and just leave like that?

I was looking at myself again in the shower and weigh myself after that. I am freaking 49kgs now. It’s not good. I need to get back to my old weight. Although a lot of people would love to be in my size now, looking good in skinny jeans which I used to look alright but just a bit too curvy on the butt. Now I looked like a petite model in skinny jeans with tiny waist and small boobs. Yes my waist had gone back to 24 inches even without me doing anything. I am basically a walking cloth hangar when I put on my work uniform. I can even squeeze both my palm through my belt now. So trust me when I say I don’t look that stunning in any of my clothes unless those super tight ones, I meant it.  Even wearing those will make me look anorexic. I am not anorexic and never been one. I love food and I enjoy eating. Lately I had lost appetite in everything I see. I am basically eating for the sake of survival. I know I will be punished in my next life for saying this coz those children in Africa, India and poor countries are starving and I bet they wish they could trade places with me.  Every morning at the hotel lounge is a chore to down anything into me. I just eat when I see food to ensure I don’t get gastric pain. As long as there is something being process in the stomach, I am good.

I also had this thought that I wish I had terminal illness, in that way I will know that my life is short and I can start planning my demise. Life does not work out in the way we wanted. Probably I might get terminal illness, not now, probably when I am back to blissful life and when I finally meet another love that I will be struck by the mishap of it. This will be the punishment for not appreciating my life.

The regular immigration officer asked me, "You looked so happy to be back to Singapore!"

"Do I really look happy? "

"Yes, it seems that you had a wonderful trip."

"Sir, I wish I am really happy like what you said. I am actually very sad and miserable now."

"Why girl?"

"I am going through issue in my relationship and the only consolation I have is knowing my boss is happy with me when I am onboard. Silly right"

"Aiya don think too much. Your boss appreciate you."

Smile and bid him goodnight. Am I really better now? The crying game started. I wonder what is next in the healing process... I hope I don't turn angry and bitter...

The crying game

This morning when I woke up, I imagined that he was there again beside me. I talked to him. Sharing with him that I wanted him to be strong and live happily.  I thought I would be better after letting him go but it's not an easy process.  Knowing that he saw or read my WhatsApp but never want to reply me made it worst than I could imagine . At least an answer or acknowledgement would be good. None came in at all. 

I really felt that I wish I was the one that was dead right now . I know that this is the wrong thought that I have a mission  to go on in my life for kosenrufu. I just can't help being helpless and just wish I was dead so I would not feel so miserable at this moment. A lot of really silly thoughts ran through my mind right now. It is making me very weak and just don't want to think or do anything. I can't coz I need to have a clear mind to go to work later. 

E say it's OK coz the relationship is only so short.  Does it matter how long the duration of the relationship lasted? It does not. It was short but it made feel like I was in my 20s n being loved. I really love him a lot beyond words could describe that I am just really lost right now. I really want to be better but today is just not the day for it to happen. 

The crying game just started earlier in the hotel  the crying while I chant,  the crying while I shower and hug myself in a corner , the crying when I put on my clothes .... yes it's a process that one have to go through.  E wanted to know where he work so she could go and give him a punch at his face. I am not sure if I want her to hurt him. I still want him but am I willing to be hurt again if he comes back again into my life ? 

The healing process

I am not sure if it's being magnanimous or I am being selfish. I decided to send him a message yesterday night. A message to let him know that I will love him, to be strong and live a fulfilling life and get better. I will be there if it's meant to be when the time arrive. I will just need to learnt to move on with my life. To get back to my normal routine , work, soka,  friends, kosenrufu and my beloved family. It will take sometime and adjustment to get back but I believe I am ready to move on. 

The weirdest thing that came out of all these struggle with my inner self is J just appeared in my life and started to share all that I had once wanted to know when we were together. Sometimes life really works in the most peculiar way. It had meant so much then when he refuses to share a single thing but now it seems like just another life story to me. At this moment, I do not love J but I had a sense of relief knowing that he gave me a closure. My heart still belongs to F. My whole body still belongs to him. I know I could find temporary comfort in J coz he offered but it will be unfair to him and cheating on F. I have to be true to myself.  

The only comfort I am going for at this moment is my mum. She will be here to give me the strength I need to move on. She will be here to feed my soul and body and nurture me back to the old self.  Just like when I was 4 years old when I was hospitalized. Looking forward to spent quality time and heart to heart talk with her. Something which I had not done for the longest time. I believe every incidents in my life happens for a reason. This is probably the only opportunity for me to share out my thoughts with my mum. Just like how S shared the other day that it is no coincidence that I met F.  I had informed her twice on the possibilities that if I am not able to co-ordinate the soka ceremony, to please stand in on my behalf. If it really happened that I was called away out of Singapore, probably I would not have had the opportunities to have a 1 to 1 interaction with F, taken a Polaroid shot with him or even met him at all. 

Fate, preordained course of life that happens because of one's action.  I had taken up the request to assist in A's wedding, that leads to me meeting F, and so on. 
Destiny, a predetermined event in one's life that one takes an active course on shaping. I has tried all I can to shape the course towards my direction but it seems the destiny is not meant for it to happen towards my side.

When one decides to move on the body and soul is healing on its own. I had started to feel hungry which is a good thing. I need to feed myself back to the old physical me. To have the strength and energy to start running again. I still want to complete my 2nd marathon this year and plan for my everest Base camp next year.  I believe if I focus on my goal for the marathon and everest Base camp I will be able to heal faster. 

Memories

The last time I had breakfast at the lounge, both of us had sent each other a photo of us during breakfast. In such a short time together we had created so much memories. I had been checking every morning on whatsapp just to know that he is still alive and kicking. Although its silly but knowing the "last seen" makes me relief but at the same time , I miss him so much that no numerical data could explain this yearning of him. 

Yesterday evening was, another hectic and unplanned early departure, it seems that I do not feel as empty when my mind is full of work. Did watching the movie and able to release out made me better?  Was it due to chanting and reading Sensei's guidance ? Was it the adrenaline rush with the unplanned early departure ? Was it knowing that someone else appreciate my effort of ensuring all in order? 

I am not too sure. I do feel better and able to breathe and interact with my team. Knowing that my boss appreciates my effort in ensuring they are well taken care on board. I suddenly feel refreshed knowing that although he might not be back into my life that life does goes on. It is a matter of how I would like it to go on ? Without him and feeling sorry for myself or restarting all over again knowing that he once did love me unconditionally. 

This round is the longest we hand not seen each other (10 days) and communicated through WhatsApp (3 days) . I do not consider the 10 days USA trip I was away to be the longest coz we did constantly WhatsApp each other. This is the longest period we had not been in touch since 11th of May. I wonder when will this silent treatment ends. 

There was a game early this morning at the bar downstairs.  On normal occasion  I would have joined the crowd in cheering for the match but I just can't go. I am afraid that the urge to contact and WhatsApp him will be so intense while watching the match. His last message was obviously asking to be left alone for a while. Every time I encountered an incident be it good or bad I wanted so much to WhatsApp him but I just have to refrain from doing so.

Even while taking a shower looking at myself in the mirror reminds me of him. Every inch of my body yearn for his touch and kisses on me. The thought of him kissing me is already enough to arouse me and it constantly brings back memory of our love making. I just want to scrub myself so clean so he can kiss me all over again. It's such a silly thought. Yesterday night I really miss him a lot and I wonder if I am in his mind. 

The Notebook

Letting go and the process of recovery takes time. When one is grieving of a loss , it also differs with each individual.  As for his case he had shut me out totally from his life. Does this mean that it's the end of us ?  Part of me dread the worst and part of me still hoping that he will come back. 

I am learning to let it go day by day. Last night after 2 hours of daimoku and plenty of Sensei's guidance , I managed to have a good sleep. Once I am awake , my mind is full of his image beside me on the bed. Smiling at me. I dread to wake up hoping that it's not really him beside me. Every morning is another day of struggle to overcome that feeling. 

I finally decided to watch the movie "The notebook" . He had shared that this is the ultimate love romance movie of all time that I had to watch. I was hoping that the movie will enable me to cry out. Yes it did, it had provided me a form of release and at the same time brings back those wonderful memories of being with him. It also reminded me to learnt to let go if it's not mine.  Part of it gave hope that he will be back once he is ready. The thing is people tend to say the working mind of a man and a women works in a different way. Men do not view love and relationship the way a women view it so weakly. I don't agree.  I believe men and women view it all the same because we are human beings with emotion. The only difference will be the different way each individual deal with the love and heart break.  Noah and Allie both dealt with it differently. Both of them was heartbroken once so bad that life was miserable . Allie cried daily to sleep, Noah worked and try to live by each day writing to Allie for a year. In the end they learnt to move on although deep down in them they know there is no closure yet. 

I need a closure and I am still waiting for it. Without a closure it, I can't move on. When would that be ? I will just have to wait.  Will it turn out unexpectedly ? I imagined it this morning,  that after months of agony , he finally came out and we talked and he proposed and I say "yes" . It's such a silly imagination knowing that we don't even know each other that well other than the love that we had shared in the 2 months . I had promised myself to him. The whole of me belongs to him that I could not imagine I could give myself to another men again. Part of the sensible imagination also tells me that he suddenly realised it's all over and does not want to hurt me. Probably he felt that after all these years through so many relationships and Floopy's demise, that he still love his ex wife. It's just that they had taken the longer route to realise it. Whatever the outcome will be, I will just have to wait . In the meantime, I will need to continue to be patient and built my inner state to be strong.  To be able to withstand whatever outcome of this relationship.  Some would not agree with my action to let him decide and not make my own decision, but I felt there is nothing I could do. I do not even have any information on what happened to make a decision other than the notion that I love him very much.  I could just wait . In time to come, I know the answer will be there. The process will be hard and there will be good days and bad days . Just like Allie,  days that she will recall Noah and days that she can't even recognize him but in the end there will be answer. I just have to wait for it.