I had stopped writing for the past few days not knowing what to write anymore and not knowing if I am deciding to give up on my "bi". Too many times he had disappointed me when he had given me hope that we will meet up the day before. He had always given the same reason/excuse that he did not want anyone to see him in this situation when he is weak and emotionally unstable. I could not understand and did not know what else I could do anymore. I was suddenly very devastated that he 'probably' did have a change of heart already. A lot of wild thoughts had been coming into my mind especially when I saw the ladies sandal/slippers at his unit when I deliver his birthday dinner. I had contemplated to ask him when I meet him as I would like to see his reaction but that opportunity never came. I guess the encouragement of words and frequent words of exchanges last week had probably given me hope that he might finally want to meet up. That is the reason why I had fallen in despair on Saturday when he insisted he did not want to meet me again and I had been forcing the situation again. Another wild thoughts that came to my mind is, why is he at the clinic at 5 plus in the evening. Is he really sick or is he lying to me all these while? I really wanted to see for myself the truth.
I had gone to his condo on that Saturday evening and ring the bell of the unit. Nobody answered the door, or the person in it saw me and refuse to open the door. I was silly that I waited behind the staircase for him to be back. I waited and waited till 10 plus and move to the swimming pool area and waited for him to be back. I really felt stupid and silly but at the same time I need to find out the truth. He never appear even after midnight. I left and send him a message asking bout the ladies sandals/slippers and his outing with his friends in FB last Saturday to celebrate his birthday, informing him I will stay away for now till he is ready to meet me. He only read the message at 4 am on Sunday. He did not reply. I should take that as a sign that he is just no longer into me anymore RIGHT????? But I could not, I refuse to wake up or do anything on Sunday. I missed all my Soka activities. I was back to my despair self. I had lost my direction and purpose in life again. I was dead inside. Fortunately I had a flight on Monday, so I was left with no choice but to pull myself up and leave the house to get the final grocery and catering for the departure on Monday. That helped me a little to focus on other stuff than him. Talking to Uber and taxi drivers kinda made me feel better too. It seems that talking to strangers made me feel better as I did not need to explain how I feel today...
I did not send him any message at all on 14th August 2016 for once since 12th May 2016. I had never stopped sending him WhatsApp even on days he was MIA or when he refuse to let me in his life after he told me he found out he is sick. I arrived Harare today, tired partly due to me not able to sleep well the previous night. I am not sure why but I checked him on WhatsApp and he was online, I contemplated to send him a message, type and deleted type and deleted, he was still online after 5 minutes. I thought he was probably like me waiting for each other to see who will type first. When I finally send him a message I realised he was not waiting for me but he was online with someone else. It was then that I realise it was only my wishful thinking that he might still into me and thinking bout me. How silly could I be? Part of me was still thinking of sending him a soup when I am back from Africa and now even after reading my message he did not bother to reply. He just say that "I am NOT just another person in his life" "If he does not have this bloody illness he would not push me away" Now none of what he say meant anything when he could not be bothered to reply me. I wanted to cry out but I could not.
Loving someone means letting the person go and allowing him the happiness he deserve??? Can I let him go? Will I be able to let him live a happy and peaceful life? What if he is really sick? Those friends who had once supported me to hang on for him are beginning to advice me to let it go and move on. They could not bear to see me going through this daily, at times happy but at times devastated. They all feel that if he really care even though he is sick he would not do such things as neglecting me like now. He would be bothered and concern by how I feel even though he is sick...I choose to defend him so many times that I had run out of excuse and reason to do so...I am beginning to feel tired and constantly weak emotionally... Jeremy had been texting to check on me regularly that he even find time in the daytime to accompany , which in the past he would not have any for me at all...I had rejected him politely so far with excuses, I am not ready to spend time with him, I am away for flight, I am soka centre chanting, etc. Will I say yes the next time he text him although I know deep down I miss my 'bi' more than anyone in this world now? Will I just choose to take the comfort provided by Jeremy coz I am weak?
I had gone to his condo on that Saturday evening and ring the bell of the unit. Nobody answered the door, or the person in it saw me and refuse to open the door. I was silly that I waited behind the staircase for him to be back. I waited and waited till 10 plus and move to the swimming pool area and waited for him to be back. I really felt stupid and silly but at the same time I need to find out the truth. He never appear even after midnight. I left and send him a message asking bout the ladies sandals/slippers and his outing with his friends in FB last Saturday to celebrate his birthday, informing him I will stay away for now till he is ready to meet me. He only read the message at 4 am on Sunday. He did not reply. I should take that as a sign that he is just no longer into me anymore RIGHT????? But I could not, I refuse to wake up or do anything on Sunday. I missed all my Soka activities. I was back to my despair self. I had lost my direction and purpose in life again. I was dead inside. Fortunately I had a flight on Monday, so I was left with no choice but to pull myself up and leave the house to get the final grocery and catering for the departure on Monday. That helped me a little to focus on other stuff than him. Talking to Uber and taxi drivers kinda made me feel better too. It seems that talking to strangers made me feel better as I did not need to explain how I feel today...
I did not send him any message at all on 14th August 2016 for once since 12th May 2016. I had never stopped sending him WhatsApp even on days he was MIA or when he refuse to let me in his life after he told me he found out he is sick. I arrived Harare today, tired partly due to me not able to sleep well the previous night. I am not sure why but I checked him on WhatsApp and he was online, I contemplated to send him a message, type and deleted type and deleted, he was still online after 5 minutes. I thought he was probably like me waiting for each other to see who will type first. When I finally send him a message I realised he was not waiting for me but he was online with someone else. It was then that I realise it was only my wishful thinking that he might still into me and thinking bout me. How silly could I be? Part of me was still thinking of sending him a soup when I am back from Africa and now even after reading my message he did not bother to reply. He just say that "I am NOT just another person in his life" "If he does not have this bloody illness he would not push me away" Now none of what he say meant anything when he could not be bothered to reply me. I wanted to cry out but I could not.
Loving someone means letting the person go and allowing him the happiness he deserve??? Can I let him go? Will I be able to let him live a happy and peaceful life? What if he is really sick? Those friends who had once supported me to hang on for him are beginning to advice me to let it go and move on. They could not bear to see me going through this daily, at times happy but at times devastated. They all feel that if he really care even though he is sick he would not do such things as neglecting me like now. He would be bothered and concern by how I feel even though he is sick...I choose to defend him so many times that I had run out of excuse and reason to do so...I am beginning to feel tired and constantly weak emotionally... Jeremy had been texting to check on me regularly that he even find time in the daytime to accompany , which in the past he would not have any for me at all...I had rejected him politely so far with excuses, I am not ready to spend time with him, I am away for flight, I am soka centre chanting, etc. Will I say yes the next time he text him although I know deep down I miss my 'bi' more than anyone in this world now? Will I just choose to take the comfort provided by Jeremy coz I am weak?
Hope you are better now.
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