Today is not a good day for my "bi". It seems the hectic weekend schedule for him had probably taken a toll on his health/body. I kinda sensed it since yesterday morning when his responses is low. It seems that when he is not well during his treatment period he tend to be very very quiet and low in responses. He had shared a headache yesterday evening and this morning that he is not well. I kinda know that when he is going through this bad period he will refuse to see me at all, as he once said that he does not not want me to see him in a foul, angry , fatigue mood. But....I had chosen to be here at his condo. I had brought him food despite him constantly telling me not to do so. I know he will probably be annoyed but I just want to do it since he can't come over to my place to eat it. Well...he did say that he wanted to come and eat the healthy organic food I prepared daily if possible. So here I am at his place but I think he is asleep as he had not responded to my messages. I will just wait as I do not want to wake him from his sleep/rest. It's my easy or him to fall in deep sleep due to the pain he is going through at this moment.
I did had some frustration yesterday when his responses was low and even drafted something to him. This is what I felt yesterday night
("Bi I will stay away for a few days . I feel that I am not needed in your life and redundant at this moment. I am a bit on the down side probably coz I feel that you can't put me in your priority now and unlike my own willingness to put you on no. 1 in my life. The reason I feel this way coz it seems that the more I try, the harder I try the lesser you reciprocate. Most of my messages are being read n not replied or responded at all. Most times I felt that I m talking to myself or a wall . I feel so pathetic at times like this. Although I know you are probably resting or talking to your mum, but I am just guessing. Am I updating you too frequently bout me that you are feeling so assured that you feel you do not need to reply or share with me your daily updates ? I just feel very very lonely in this relationship. Do we still have a relationship or I am just a person that you will meet when you can slot me in or when u feel lonely? Even when you are still awake/online but you did not respond to me. I have to wait and wait for your reply. Do you know I hate the waiting game? I am trying to make excuses for you by thinking probably you are having one of those emotional turmoil battle running through you again. Making excuses to make myself feel good and not feel like an outsider or just somebody in your life ... I really felt very silly stupid to keep knocking my head to the wall. U insisted that I should not bring food to your place but you will come over but you never came at all. You say you rather come daily to eat the healthy organic food I will prepare but you never have the time. Please don't say you will do this and that until you do it. Do you realise that you had shared a lot of things that you will but you had not done most of it and it keeps me hanging and hoping that you will? Again it's me on my part silly and hanging on to it. There are days I am not sure if I am angry at you. So angry that I think I might hate you for not making me happy coz you can. You say you are helping people and it makes you happier , why not help to make me happy too... sometimes we tend to neglect the one closest to us without realising it .")
This morning I felt better after chanting and preparing his healthy organic lunch. Just one of the days in my mood swing
I did had some frustration yesterday when his responses was low and even drafted something to him. This is what I felt yesterday night
("Bi I will stay away for a few days . I feel that I am not needed in your life and redundant at this moment. I am a bit on the down side probably coz I feel that you can't put me in your priority now and unlike my own willingness to put you on no. 1 in my life. The reason I feel this way coz it seems that the more I try, the harder I try the lesser you reciprocate. Most of my messages are being read n not replied or responded at all. Most times I felt that I m talking to myself or a wall . I feel so pathetic at times like this. Although I know you are probably resting or talking to your mum, but I am just guessing. Am I updating you too frequently bout me that you are feeling so assured that you feel you do not need to reply or share with me your daily updates ? I just feel very very lonely in this relationship. Do we still have a relationship or I am just a person that you will meet when you can slot me in or when u feel lonely? Even when you are still awake/online but you did not respond to me. I have to wait and wait for your reply. Do you know I hate the waiting game? I am trying to make excuses for you by thinking probably you are having one of those emotional turmoil battle running through you again. Making excuses to make myself feel good and not feel like an outsider or just somebody in your life ... I really felt very silly stupid to keep knocking my head to the wall. U insisted that I should not bring food to your place but you will come over but you never came at all. You say you rather come daily to eat the healthy organic food I will prepare but you never have the time. Please don't say you will do this and that until you do it. Do you realise that you had shared a lot of things that you will but you had not done most of it and it keeps me hanging and hoping that you will? Again it's me on my part silly and hanging on to it. There are days I am not sure if I am angry at you. So angry that I think I might hate you for not making me happy coz you can. You say you are helping people and it makes you happier , why not help to make me happy too... sometimes we tend to neglect the one closest to us without realising it .")
This morning I felt better after chanting and preparing his healthy organic lunch. Just one of the days in my mood swing
No comments:
Post a Comment